Patrick Bennett
Staff Lampoonist
In the next couple of weeks, an event will take place that will shape the American people. This isn’t even the announcement that Big Macs will be sold again for $1 on Mondays, it’s the presidential election. The two candidates, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, are anxious as ever, trying to coerce voters to vote for them. The Lampoon asks: “Why have them manipulate you when you can out-crook them yourselves?”
“The phenomenon known as poll rigging isn’t just something that happens when Trump takes you furniture shopping. Back when my daddy had the farm, we’d all go down to our local town hall and set off a box of fireworks just to ruffle the people’s feathers. Some decided not to cast a vote. Some became legally deaf. That was how we used to do it,” Raymour and Flanigan associate Deborah Magenta said.
With technology changing and anti-terrorist associations doing their jobs, fireworks were not a viable option to halt local voting. Something more practical, less dangerous and more seductive had to occur to rig polling stations.
A student, who was residing in a tent in front of Mason Hall, with greasy slicked-back hair, a monotone voice and the razor sharp edge of a black widow spider had all the answers. His alias was Toaster Strudel Pastry. The Lampoon never ascertained which flavor Toaster Strudel the man identified as.
“The best way to rig a polling station is by plugging in this USB into the electronic voting thing,” Pastry said, referring to a furry Hello Kitty USB drive he had on a bedazzled lanyard. “It has a secret algorithm designed to automatically vote for Trump even if you vote for liar Hillary,” Pastry added with a snarl.
Unfortunately, after Pastry’s interview he fell into an open pot-hole and was devoured by the crocodile living under the Williams Center.
The Hello Kitty USB was in Trump’s favor, whereas Clinton supporter and die-hard breakfast burrito enthusiast Eliza Linoleum had a way to rig the polls for Hillary that was, as she claimed, “100 percent foolproof.”
“When I see students, citizens and confederate squirrels putting in their absentee ballots for Trump on campus, I’m going to simply deconstruct the mailbox, take the ballots, then weld the mailbox back together using tools I have in my dorm. The next step is individually burning all of the ballots. The police will never suspect someone like me would do such a thing. Oh? You think I wouldn’t do this because I’m a woman!? You think I don’t have what it takes?” Linoleum screamed, holding a lit blowtorch to the Lampoonist conducting the interview’s head.
Linoleum wasn’t the only Democrat who possessed an anti-Trump sentiment. Sweet aged woman, grandmother and Harley-Davidson motorcycle rider Florence O’Voraybia had proctored her hometown’s voting station for over 40 years and, in doing so, had rigged the polling in some way.
“When people vote for someone who is going to destroy our country, it grinds my gears. If you vote for Trump, I’m going to crush your bones, stuff you in a slow-roaster and feed you to my family on game day! I’m going to steal your Netflix account and watch nothing but children’s shows for my grandkids!” O’Voraybia hollered, the ground beneath her spreading apart. When asked how she had rigged the polls in the past, O’Voraybia simply answered, “With brute force.”
Questions remain unanswered before official voting; Is Corey Feldman really serious with his “Today” show appearances? Will the Double Down sandwich ever arrive back at KFC? Is John Travolta actually gay? What is certain is that in some way, shape or form, people have their goals set on rigging this upcoming election. Trump will always accept the results — if he wins.