D. ZBORNAK
Staff Lampoonist
In light of Donald Trump’s election as president, Samsung has announced the production of the new Galaxy Note 8. This version will have a significantly lower explosion rate than the infamous Galaxy Note 7. Samsung employees engineered and produced this model so as to not see their own bomb-like product utilized in the rising number of violent attacks on a predicted by 90 percent of Americans.
The results of the 2016 presidential election were nothing short of terrifying for many U.S. citizens. Trump’s win was followed by a sudden spike in hate crimes and left people across the country fearing for their safety.
It’s common knowledge that hate groups from anywhere will get creative in order harm their targets of interest. Samsung heard our cries and responded by releasing the Galaxy Note 8. This version, unlike its predecessor, is almost guaranteed not to explode, which eliminates the possibility it being used in any sort of attack.
This action by Samsung was a small but appreciated gesture in the eyes of American minorities. Upon interview, one individual said, “We really appreciate what Samsung has done. It’s clear that they have concerns for public safety. In the midst of all the swastika graffiti littering my neighborhood and black baby dolls hanging from ceilings across the country, I can take refuge in knowing that at least my car won’t get blown up by Ann Coulter throwing her phone.”
The ever-clueless Trump himself got word of Samsung’s newly released model and gave his praise to the company.
“Samsung is great. They’re really great people. I love how a company working under my lead is so concerned about the safety of my citizens and not just the growth of their business,” the president-elect said. “As a matter of fact, to show my appreciation, I’m spending my first billion of America’s tax dollars on advertising for Samsung.”
Samsung is getting widespread praise for their efforts to combat domestic terrorism instigated by Trump himself. While the new phone does little to heal the emotional trauma, innocent Americans can rest a little more peacefully knowing that if they are harmed, at least it won’t be from an inconspicuously placed mobile device blowing an additional orifice through their bodies.