EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
Gamers, non-gamers and basement-dwelling, unemployed 30-year-olds alike collectively lost their minds when the Nintendo Switch was released two weeks ago. Its portability, battery life, portability, dance-able commercials, portability and ability to not be the Wii U has renewed gamers’ hope that Nintendo is still capable of putting out a quality gaming device. Oh, and did we mention it’s portable?
However, not everyone is excited about the high-tech addition to the Nintendo family. The Lampoon caught up with not-at-all famed PC gamer Mac Microsoft, who, in a rash act of loyalty for the oft-ridiculed PC, decided to backpack across the country in order to prove how “frickin awesome” old-school gaming really is.
“Let’s just get one thing straight: I’m not a ‘gamer.’ I’m a ‘video game enthusiast,’” he said as a greeting when we met. We sat at a grimy diner booth somewhere in the bowels of Pittsburgh. We started the interview with the most obvious question: why backpack across the country to prove something no one really cares about?
“My tens of followers want — nay, NEED — to see that there’s someone out there who understands … someone who’s willing to do something crazy in defense of what’s RIGHT.” He adjusted the computer in his lap, which was attached to his waist with a kind of industrial fanny pack.
“You see? This is JUST as portable as the Switch.” He hit the side of the computer as the screen flickered and said, “I bet those Nintendo Switch people feel really stupid right now.”
Microsoft’s eyes clouded over with nostalgia — or maybe he was just really dehydrated, we couldn’t really tell — when he revealed his first PC gaming memory.
“‘Minesweeper’ was where it all started,” he said, nodding fondly like a proud father talking about his child. “The rest is history.” He continued to talk about his love for PC gaming and used many technical words, most of which we tuned out at the three-minute mark.
“Anyway, I’m off to Toledo tomorrow, and I can’t wait to show this baby off,” he finished as he attempted to untangle the power cord to his computer. “Do you see any outlets anywhere?”
As for his cross-country computer trip, the end is far from sight.
“I’m not giving up until every gamer knows the truth: that PC gaming is even better than console gaming.” He proceeded to trip on the 10-foot power cord and send his onion rings flying. “Aw, man,” he said, picking himself up off the floor. “Why does that keep happening!?”
The Lampoon recently reached out to Microsoft for an update on his travels. Although we never received a response, a bear-like man with a metal fanny pack was seen wandering the mountains of Idaho, mumbling to himself and holding a computer high above his head, as if trying to get a signal.