EMMA PATTERSON
Staff Lampoonist
The Lampoon stopped by an ordinary residential street this week to investigate a small protest that broke out in front of one of the houses. The owners of the house are Prissy and Chip McShopperson, self-proclaimed compulsive shoppers whose many purchases have overflowed onto their front lawn.
“We simply value a luxurious lifestyle,” Prissy McShopperson said as a Starbucks barista made her morning coffee, located on her front lawn. “Is that so wrong?”
The protest apparently began when the McShoppersons announced their plans to build an amphitheater in their backyard so that they could enjoy live experimental jazz music at all hours of the day.
“That amphitheater would not only be an eyesore, but it would interrupt our sleep, hurt our ears, pollute the air and stunt our children’s physical development,” one neighbor complained. “Besides, they already have an amusement park-sized waterslide. What else could they want?”
The protest seemed to come as a wake-up call to the McShoppersons concerning their over-the-top spending habits. “We had no idea that spending unnecessary amounts of money could have such disastrous consequences,” Mr. McShopperson said, tossing a raw steak to his slightly caged tiger.
For the McShoppersons, there was only one obvious conclusion.
“After much deliberation, we made the difficult decision to stop shopping at the Dollar Tree,” they announced to the angry mob. “We are really starting to value money and its righteous power.” They then proceeded to literally throw wads of cash out of the window.
When asked about his relationship with money, a grave expression fell upon Chip McShopperson’s orange botox face.
“It’s a toxic, unnatural relationship that simply should not, and will not, continue,” he said, tucking a $100 bill into a tiny bed with solid gold sheets.
The McShoppersons’ announcement has not done much to assuage the anger of their neighbors.
“Are they joking?” one neighbor said in an interview. “I feel like I’m the only sane one around here. I’m so tired of them expecting everyone to accept all the horrible things they do, just because they’re rich. Where is all their money COMING from, anyway!?”
“Oh well, we literally grow our own money,” they said, shrugging. Sure enough, literal dollar trees stood on the side of the house with two bodyguards standing around them. “We have to make sure no one steals our money,” they said. “Who knows what awful things they’d do with it!”