FORREST ECKERT and JACLYN SPIEZIA
Special to the Lampoon and Staff Lampoonist
Thursday, April 20, 2017
On Thursday night, a student was found wandering the road looking into holes. When questioned, the student responded that he was looking for pot.
Friday, April 21, 2017
A ballerina filed a complaint at Cranston. She reportedly said that the food wasn’t “on point.”
A group of local teens were caught stealing bikes on campus. University Police later found that they were turning them into unicycles.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
On Earth Day, University Police responded to the call of a figure in the woodlot. The figure turned out to be missing student Jack Shepard. During a follow-up interview, Shepard expressed that he had gotten lost trying to be one with nature.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
A disgruntled basic college girl was found crying outside Starbucks, banging on the glass windows, demanding another unicorn frappuccino. She was sedated and released in New York City where Starbucks is still serving said product.
Monday, April 24, 2017
Just another manic Monday, a girl had a psychotic break outside University Commons. She kept saying that she wished it was Sunday. However, after further investigation, it turned out that it was just another manic Monday.
Later in the evening, a physics student was found in Mason Hall stealing a violin. The student claimed they were investigating string theory.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
A goose was fined for double parking. When handed the ticket, he told the officer, “Just put it on my bill.”
A man was seen scaling the wall of Maytum Hall. Many people started to crowd around, concerned. The crowd broke apart, however, after one person recognized him to be Spider-Man.
Wednesday, April 6, 2017
A student was found after hours in the observatory, trying to communicate with a UFO. It turns out there was no UFO. It was just the moon.