ALBERTO GONZALEZ & ALEJANDRA GONZALEZ
Staff Lampoonist and Special to the Lampoon
Toys “R” Us is going bankrupt! The store is yet another tragic victim of our increasingly e-commerce economy. But don’t fret children — they aren’t going down without a fight! Recent surveys have shown that the main demographic of those who still appreciate the brick and mortar store are now adults but remember going to the store as a child. In fact, 100% of all people born in the mid to late 90s proffer vague, yet “emotionally fulfilling” memories of a physical store as a reason to keep a physical location, despite the massive costs to the owners of the store. In a push to save Geoffrey the Giraffe’s ass, Toys “R” Us has decided to start offering adult toys in their stores.
Starting on the first day of the new fiscal year, Toys “R” Us will begin to offer vibrators next to the infant teething section. Toys “R” Us plans on starting with a soft launch next week, offering vibrators in blue, pink and a gender-neutral green. Aside from having a wide range of vibrating modes from “gentle tickle” to “jesus stallion” they will all be dishwasher safe, nontoxic and have ridges!
When asked about this, the CEO responded with some Freudian psychology.
“They’re most likely in the phallic stage anyway,” he said.
When pressed about the morality of exposing children to such obscenities, he went on a 45-minute cyclical rant which kept coming back to, “DO YOU REMEMBER BEING A TODDLER???” while silently whispering to himself between breaths, “We will not be the next Blockbuster.”
Clearly the stress of being the head of a failing company is starting to catch up with this man.
After his rant, he pulled his best impression of Billy Mays with a “but there is more.”
With a nod to all of the Y chromosomes in the room, with gender equality in mind, Toys “R” Us will also be offering limited edition “Grown up cabbage patch dolls” for their male customers to enjoy.
These dolls will come in various ethnic options as Toys “R” Us strives to attract a wider audience than ever before in order to revive the company. These dolls will be made of high standard elastic property TPE (thermoplastic elastomers), which is safe and has the highest tear resistance, but is also environmentally friendly as well as phthalate free.
A toddler in the play testing group was asked about the design of the dolls.
“YOU’LL FLOAT TOO!!” he said, slowly rising up into the atmosphere.
The child has not been seen since.
