The Scallion - Page 19 of 84 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

[SATIRE] Police Notters are back, baby!

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 26, 2021March 23, 2021

March 26, 2021March 23, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag In April of 2019, the police stopped giving the Scallion permission to post the campus police reports. I, however told the Chief of Campus Police that if they didn’t give me permission to post the daily reports, I would write the article “Fredonia Campus Police Chief......

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[SATIRE] My teeth can cut glass. I’m going to shotgun a Svedka

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 25, 2021March 23, 2021

March 25, 2021March 23, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag In October of the year 2019, I went to a party. It was absolutely bonkers — I watched someone dressed up as the “stonks” guy vaping and a fake Belle Delphine carrying around mason jars of “bath water” Everclear. However, the best thing I had seen that......

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Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 22, 2021March 22, 2021

March 22, 2021March 22, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: fart fart fart you little gassy fart muncher! you little fart baby. farty fart fart. you love big farts, small farts, even poopy farts! whenever you feel the need to pass gas, you’re like, hell yeah i’ll fart right now! i bet you have a......

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Joe Marciniak is NOT the editor of the Scallion, and now he has short legs

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 21, 2021March 15, 2021

March 21, 2021March 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor That’s right. Joe Marciniak, local strongman and former editor of the Scallion, has been dethroned. It is I, Matthew Baum, who wears the noble title of Editor nowadays, and I am taking my newfound power very seriously. My first order of business was to erect a......

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[SATIRE] Why are dogs not allowed to take Fredonia classes?

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 20, 2021March 16, 2021

March 20, 2021March 16, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag What’s up with Fredonia? I mean, we say we’re sooo inclusive, but I really can’t agree anymore under these circumstances. Frankly, I’m disappointed and I expected so much more from this school. Why are dogs not allowed to take classes here? The reason why I’m bringing this......

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The Tickler: Fredonia’s newest sketchy guy

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 18, 2021March 15, 2021

March 18, 2021March 15, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag Recent reports around the campus have students worried. Sightings of a “demon-esque” figure crawling around on all fours on campus. Some say if you let it get too close, he’ll tickle you. Thus he has been dubbed “The Tickler.” I interviewed students who have claimed sightings......

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Local man goes into food coma after throwing one-man Pi Day rave

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 15, 2021March 15, 2021

March 15, 2021March 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor and Pi Day Enthusiast Tragedy struck the other night as Vernon Crompton, a native to the Fredonia area and alumnus of the class of 2017, was placed in permanent care after setting himself into a food coma. Crompton, 26, has been known as an avid fan......

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Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 13, 2021March 13, 2021

March 13, 2021March 13, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag the signs in one word or less aries: moist taurus: bug gemini: beanz cancer: maldives leo: angry virgo: lightswitch libra: pretty scorpio: FIRE!!!!! sagittarius: lamp capricorn: what? aquarius: hat pisces: orange...

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I amalgamated my friends into a hivemind to be COVID safe

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 12, 2021March 12, 2021

March 12, 2021March 12, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag We all know that COVID-19 changed basically everything in our life, especially for those of us who live on campus. There were many problems originally, like people being loud during quiet hours (I know my neighbors probably aren’t reading this but God I wish they were), the......

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[SATIRE] (Inspiring!) Local child works in sweatshop to afford hospital bill

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 12, 2021March 8, 2021

March 12, 2021March 8, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag In the modern era, we as Americans ask ourselves, which is more important? Being a red-blooded AMERICAN or a diaper-wearing communist? Sometimes I look at the people and think it’s a shame how brainwashed they are. The president of the free world is a communist and......

5th Quarter Column: Quell the Raven

5th Quarter Column: Fifth Time’s a Charm?

Buffalo Bandits look to snatch third straight title

Why do gamers play games they hate?

Campus Life and Student Affairs unveil policy regulating on-campus assemblies

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What to get each sign

Holding space for the new Wicked movie: A review

[SATIRE] I hate Kia Souls

Why Dunkin’ Donuts is better than Tim Hortons, from the…

Apple Music vs. Spotify, coming from a person who has…

[SATIRE] Police Notters are back, baby!

[SATIRE] My teeth can cut glass. I’m going to shotgun a Svedka

Horoscopes

Joe Marciniak is NOT the editor of the Scallion, and now he has short legs

[SATIRE] Why are dogs not allowed to take Fredonia classes?

The Tickler: Fredonia’s newest sketchy guy

Local man goes into food coma after throwing one-man Pi Day rave

Horoscopes

I amalgamated my friends into a hivemind to be COVID safe

[SATIRE] (Inspiring!) Local child works in sweatshop to afford hospital bill