The Scallion - Page 20 of 85 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

[SATIRE] Government sneaks vaccine into American cheese

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 30, 2021March 30, 2021

March 30, 2021March 30, 2021

JULES HOEPTING Design Editor They weren’t going to be happy. My fingers curled around the edge of the podium, I looked at people in blazers with tape recorders aimed at me. They were all six feet apart from each other, but it felt like they were six inches from my......

Scallion

[SATIRE] The true source of the dog food smell on campus

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2021March 30, 2021

March 29, 2021March 30, 2021

CHLOE KOWALYK Staff Writer Ah yes, the weather is warming up and we can finally go outside. Fredonia students fill the campus, laying out picnic blankets and going on walks with their friends. The semester is more than halfway through, and everything is looking up. That is until… **Sniff Sniff**......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 28, 2021March 28, 2021

March 28, 2021March 28, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Astrology amateur and general party-pooper **DISCLAIMER** — I do not know much about astrology, so these will be out of order. If you could, print them in this order. I think it’ll be funny. Libra: You’re gonna want to avoid eating any fish items this week. I......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Police Notters are back, baby!

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 26, 2021March 23, 2021

March 26, 2021March 23, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag In April of 2019, the police stopped giving the Scallion permission to post the campus police reports. I, however told the Chief of Campus Police that if they didn’t give me permission to post the daily reports, I would write the article “Fredonia Campus Police Chief......

Scallion

[SATIRE] My teeth can cut glass. I’m going to shotgun a Svedka

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 25, 2021March 23, 2021

March 25, 2021March 23, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag In October of the year 2019, I went to a party. It was absolutely bonkers — I watched someone dressed up as the “stonks” guy vaping and a fake Belle Delphine carrying around mason jars of “bath water” Everclear. However, the best thing I had seen that......

Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 22, 2021March 22, 2021

March 22, 2021March 22, 2021

HANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag aries: fart fart fart you little gassy fart muncher! you little fart baby. farty fart fart. you love big farts, small farts, even poopy farts! whenever you feel the need to pass gas, you’re like, hell yeah i’ll fart right now! i bet you have a......

Scallion

Joe Marciniak is NOT the editor of the Scallion, and now he has short legs

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 21, 2021March 15, 2021

March 21, 2021March 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor That’s right. Joe Marciniak, local strongman and former editor of the Scallion, has been dethroned. It is I, Matthew Baum, who wears the noble title of Editor nowadays, and I am taking my newfound power very seriously. My first order of business was to erect a......

Scallion

[SATIRE] Why are dogs not allowed to take Fredonia classes?

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 20, 2021March 16, 2021

March 20, 2021March 16, 2021

JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag What’s up with Fredonia? I mean, we say we’re sooo inclusive, but I really can’t agree anymore under these circumstances. Frankly, I’m disappointed and I expected so much more from this school. Why are dogs not allowed to take classes here? The reason why I’m bringing this......

Scallion

The Tickler: Fredonia’s newest sketchy guy

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 18, 2021March 15, 2021

March 18, 2021March 15, 2021

BRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag Recent reports around the campus have students worried. Sightings of a “demon-esque” figure crawling around on all fours on campus. Some say if you let it get too close, he’ll tickle you. Thus he has been dubbed “The Tickler.” I interviewed students who have claimed sightings......

Scallion

Local man goes into food coma after throwing one-man Pi Day rave

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 15, 2021March 15, 2021

March 15, 2021March 15, 2021

MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor and Pi Day Enthusiast Tragedy struck the other night as Vernon Crompton, a native to the Fredonia area and alumnus of the class of 2017, was placed in permanent care after setting himself into a food coma. Crompton, 26, has been known as an avid fan......

Theater kids are taking over Fredonia

Rating every 2025 Oscar award-winning movie

President Trump signs orders dismantling eight departments

[SATIRE] Fear and Loathing in Talladega: A Journey to Beer-Soaked…

[SCALLION/NEWS] Campus bus leaves students traumatized

[SATIRE/NEWS] Police Notters

Executive Vice President and Provost Dr. David Starrett abruptly leaves…

[SATIRE] Abigail Jacobson, news editor, cancels news

[SCALLION/SPORTS] Volz enlisted to help suffering Sabres

[SCALLION/NEWS] All hail the new era: The Scallion has taken…

[SATIRE] Government sneaks vaccine into American cheese

[SATIRE] The true source of the dog food smell on campus

Horoscopes

[SATIRE] Police Notters are back, baby!

[SATIRE] My teeth can cut glass. I’m going to shotgun a Svedka

Horoscopes

Joe Marciniak is NOT the editor of the Scallion, and now he has short legs

[SATIRE] Why are dogs not allowed to take Fredonia classes?

The Tickler: Fredonia’s newest sketchy guy

Local man goes into food coma after throwing one-man Pi Day rave