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July 25, 2024
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From the Desk of Chloe Kowalyk: Editor in Chief

From the Desk of EJ Jacobs: Life & Arts Editor

From the Desk of Jace Jacobs: Asst. Scallion Editor

From the Desk of Nicole Thorson: Art Director

From the Desk of Henry Domst: Design Editor

From the Desk of Sierra Mills: Chief Copy Editor

[SATIRE] An interview with The Bachelor’s winner, Henry Domst

[OPINION] What COVID-19 inadvertently taught us

ITS unveils stratigic plan for technology

Dr. Kathryn Kendall takes on enrollment

The Leader
Scallion

Police Notter

Contributor to The Leader
JACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist Thursday, Sept. 21 On Food Truck Thursday, a fight broke out between a student and a food truck. The food truck — who would like to remain nameless — only had enough rations to serve one more person. The student insisted to be served after waiting......
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Scallion

Ted Cruz nailed for using private porn server

Contributor to The Leader
DOMINIC MAGISTRO Special to the Lampoon Following the Sept. 11 Twitter porn scandal, everyone’s favorite blobfish, Ted Cruz, is under investigation for reportedly using taxpayer dollars to fund a private server exclusively for his pornographic websites. We all know Ted Cruz stands for “family values” and embezzling government funds is......
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Scallion

Toys ‘R’ Us opens adult section in an attempt to recover from bankruptcy

Contributor to The Leader
ALBERTO GONZALEZ & ALEJANDRA GONZALEZ Staff Lampoonist and Special to the Lampoon Toys “R” Us is going bankrupt! The store is yet another tragic victim of our increasingly e-commerce economy. But don’t fret children — they aren’t going down without a fight! Recent surveys have shown that the main demographic......
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Scallion

It’s a “no way” for Jose: Trump puts the hurricane in timeout

Contributor to The Leader
PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist   The most decorated fight in United States history happened last week. It wasn’t the highly televised and clear cash grab that was the Mayweather-McGregor fight, but rather the fight between hurricane Irma and Jose. Jose ultimately lost the fight as brony and President Donald Trump......
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Scallion

Confederate statues replaced with ‘90s television stars

Contributor to The Leader
  EMMA PATTERSON Assistant Lampoon Editor   Many southern states announced last week that all confederate statues and monuments will be replaced with ‘90s television stars over the next few days. This announcement was met with little-to-no controversy as a representative from the White House explained the reason behind the......
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