The Scallion - Page 51 of 82 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

‘Pokémon Go’ update includes ‘Are you sure this is how you want to spend your life?’ option

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 1, 2017

March 1, 2017

ALBERTO GONZALEZ Staff Lampoonist Niantic’s huge summer success “Pokémon Go” looked like it was on the verge of being left behind in the summer of 2016. The developers have had other ideas, however, trying to keep their monstrous cash cow alive as long as possible. In an......

Scallion

Missiles leak out of North Korea’s arsenal: The harder you hop the farther it goes

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 22, 2017

February 22, 2017

PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist This past week, news is more depressing than the traditional brutalist architecture on campus leaked out over the internet: North Korea has missiles. However, these missiles aren’t harmful in the slightest. They can actually be used for wildly entertaining purposes. In a chilling call......

Scallion

Police Notter February 22

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 22, 2017

February 22, 2017

JACLYN SPIEZIA and ALBERTO GONZALEZ Staff Lampoonist and Special to the Lampoon UNIVERSITY Sunday, Feb. 12, 2017 A noise complaint was issued Sunday night, as there was loud screaming in Grissom Hall. An R.A. came to check out the situation and started screaming, too, when they found out......

Scallion

DeVos participates in teacher swap

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 22, 2017

February 22, 2017

EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist It’s always nice when politicians step outside of their comfort zone. For example, there’s nothing at all unsettling about Barack Obama wearing denim shorts or Chris Christie eating a carrot stick. This totally-real fact made Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos’ decision to swap places......

Scallion

Guest Op-Ed: Who wants to be America’s second?

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 22, 2017August 25, 2019

February 22, 2017August 25, 2019

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP WWE Hall of Famer In Donald Trump’s inauguration speech, he said, “From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first. America first.” POTUS has followed up on his thoughts with an exclusive op-ed penned for the Lampoon. Who was your founding father? Our......

Scallion

Trump travel ban receives coveted 5-star rating from ISIS: Dayum! That’s a great ban!

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 15, 2017

February 15, 2017

PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist The severely outdated and irrelevant restaurant-locating website Yelp just received news that an organization had awarded Trump’s travel ban five stars. The totally peaceful and fun-loving organization that distributed the perfect rating? ISIS. News had broke that ISIS gave Trump’s travel ban the coveted five-star......

Scallion

Tom Brady admits cheating in Super Bowl, nobody cares

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 15, 2017

February 15, 2017

JACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist “The New England Patriots have just won Super Bowl LI,” the announcer screeched. While Patriots fans cheered in excitement, Atlanta Falcons fans started to screech in retaliation claiming the Patriots had cheated their way to victory. One Falcons fan used his mechanical wings to fly......

Scallion

Fake news filter removes Conway from internet

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 15, 2017August 25, 2019

February 15, 2017August 25, 2019

EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist Facebook’s new “fake news filters” caused a moderate amount of outrage among Donald Trump supporters last week when they accidentally filtered out, to the relief of pretty much everyone, Kellyanne Conway interviews. Incensed Facebook users took to Facebook to rant about boycotting Facebook. “I joined Facepage......

Scallion

Dumpster diver wins Honda Civic

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 15, 2017

February 15, 2017

ALBERTO GONZALEZ Special to the Lampoon Local student Buffrey Groucho was dumpster diving last Thursday when he found an old Tim Hortons cup, unrolled. He had no intention of finding any cups. He just truly cares about the environment, and really wanted to make sure there were no......

Scallion

Miss Universe opens pageant up to extra-terrestrial competitors

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 8, 2017

February 8, 2017

JACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist In what appears to be an effort to be more inclusive, the Miss Universe pageant will now accept competitors from other star systems. Don’t be alarmed, though. A Donald Trump-owned organization was not trying to be inclusive. The decision was made by......

From the Desk of Chloe Kowalyk: Editor in Chief

From the Desk of EJ Jacobs: Life & Arts Editor

From the Desk of Jace Jacobs: Asst. Scallion Editor

From the Desk of Nicole Thorson: Art Director

From the Desk of Henry Domst: Design Editor

From the Desk of Sierra Mills: Chief Copy Editor

[SATIRE] An interview with The Bachelor’s winner, Henry Domst

[OPINION] What COVID-19 inadvertently taught us

ITS unveils stratigic plan for technology

Dr. Kathryn Kendall takes on enrollment

‘Pokémon Go’ update includes ‘Are you sure this is how you want to spend your life?’ option

Missiles leak out of North Korea’s arsenal: The harder you hop the farther it goes

Police Notter February 22

DeVos participates in teacher swap

Guest Op-Ed: Who wants to be America’s second?

Trump travel ban receives coveted 5-star rating from ISIS: Dayum! That’s a great ban!

Tom Brady admits cheating in Super Bowl, nobody cares

Fake news filter removes Conway from internet

Dumpster diver wins Honda Civic

Miss Universe opens pageant up to extra-terrestrial competitors