Exclusive: Trump’s upcoming executive orders for next week; President flexes a little too hardcore?
PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist A drunk uncle flipped the beer pong table at his niece’s graduation party this past summer. He was flexing his testosterone and booze-fueled strength by exerting maximum force on the table. Now, President Donald Trump is flexing maximum force on the people......
Mexico unveils plans for border staircase
EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist In a shocking turn of events last week, President Donald Trump claimed that he would actually start to move forward with what the general public thought was just a really dumb, horrifying joke: the construction of the U.S.-Mexico border wall. Obviously, this announcement has......
ALONE Day replaces Valentine’s Day; Nothing good will ever happen again, sources say
ALBERTO GONZALEZ Special to the Lampoon Valentine’s Day is upon us! BEWARE!! Any year prior to this one, this would have been a pretty typical sentence that could’ve summed up February 14th pretty nicely. Now, however, this is not the case. Due to the wide-reaching social effects......
Biden letter leak goes viral; Ex-vice president leaves not-so heartfelt message for Pence
PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist “Dear Mr. Penis, I mean Mr. Pence, I would like to leave you some encouraging thoughts and wisdom as you take over my position as Vice President of the United States,” were the first words written in a confidential letter written by Joe Biden......
Police Notter February 1
JACLYN SPIEZIA & ALBERTO GONZALEZ Staff Lampoonist and Special to the Lampoon UNIVERSITY Sunday, Jan. 22, 2017 A student reported a laptop was stolen from a dorm room. A report was filed after the laptop found under their bed two hours later. Monday, Jan. 23, 2017 University Police......
The Statue of Liberty flees back to France
EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist It seems that those Obama/Biden memes are not the only national treasures we’ll be missing over the next four years. The iconic symbol of freedom herself — the Statue of Liberty — apparently fled the country late last night, according to a confused yet unsurprised......
Nation already exhausted by just one week of Trump presidency
ALBERTO GONZALEZ Special to the Lampoon How long has Donald Trump really been in office, one week or one year? Honestly, it is hard to tell. It seems impossible that in one measly week he could already have made such a mess, but he did it. In an......
Willy C’s new soda machine breaks
JACLYN SPIEZIA Special to the Lampoon If you often go to Centre Pointe, you may have noticed the new addition. We hardly ever get new things, so when we do, they really stick out. Sitting on the counter next to the old soda machine is a brand new soda machine.......
Hiking for Hillary: Hikers search for Clinton in multiple states
PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist As the Fall semester comes to a screeching halt, ideas of vacation have been blooming. Students have abandoned the traditional winter break ideas of napping, diving into a pool of puppies and going somewhere warm. These ideas prove to be sub-par compared to the newest rage:......