RITA PAEPER Special to the Lampoon Aries: An opportunity for personal growth will present itself soon. Unfortunately, it will do so in the form of some asshole who sits behind you in class and mouth-breathes heavily onto the back of your neck. Refrain from making a grisly scene and you......

ANITA TENSION Special to the Lampoon This semester’s activities night, where on-campus organizations court prospective members, will feature several new groups. Among these, the one generating the most buzz is a new fraternity, ‘Jama Pie,” which bills itself as an inclusive, “chill community for people who just want to hang......

AWKWARD ANNIE Staff Lampoonist I never knew how out of shape I was until I started having all of my classes in Thompson on the third floor. I live on the third floor in my residence hall, but nothing compares to the dark stairway of hell leading up to the......

DARREN WILSON* Special to The Leader Boy, oh boy, what a year! We all certainly had our share of trials and tribulations — or tribulations, at least. No trial for me! God, I’m just so thankful for so much. 1. Miscarriage of justice. Thank god for Bob McCulloch, huh? What......

AWKWARD ANNIE Staff Lampoonist Holding the door open for someone behind you is probably one of the most complex gestures of kindness a person can show another. You simply use your spidey senses to tell if someone is approaching you and stretch yourself as far as possible to keep the......