The Scallion - Page 83 of 85 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

Being Awkward: The unreciprocated hello

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 12, 2014

November 12, 2014

AWKWARD ANNIE Staff Lampoonist Most of the time, I try to say hello to everyone I have ever been acquainted with. If I met you in line for food, if you are in one of my classes, if we have the same backpack, I’m going to stare at you until......

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The Lampoon’s guide to Spring 2015 courses

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 12, 2014

November 12, 2014

Special to The Lampoon PHIL 299 Beating Batman One of the biggest questions in life is who, if anybody, could defeat Batman in a physical confrontation. This course will attempt to find an answer to that issue through simulation, critical evaluation of historical attempts and extensive readings from leading scholars......

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Sex and the SUNY: like a virgin, chin licked for the very first time

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 12, 2014

November 12, 2014

KELLY CANER Lampoonist It was Halloween weekend, and I was looking for any man to open my portal to Halloweentown. The only sexual experience I’d ever had was with Brian in the 9th grade, who brought out a tub of vaseline and used it to grease up his pink puffy......

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Bookstore to begin selling new ‘double wide’ longboards

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 12, 2014

November 12, 2014

ANITA TENSION Special to The Lampoon The University Bookstore announced Friday that, beginning in December, they would stock a new type of “double wide” longboard rumored to take up at least two times the amount of space on roads, sidewalks and in the aisles between desks in classrooms. The new......

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Baffling new graffiti tag found around campus

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 5, 2014

November 5, 2014

COLIN PERRY Special to The Lampoon University Police members are struggling to identify the meaning behind a series of alleged vandalism attacks across campus. The mysterious tag, pictured here, has been found painted across many of the university’s signs, hung on banners and even somehow hacked into the university’s website.......

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Ask: A Teeming Hive of Bees

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 5, 2014

November 5, 2014

BEES Special to the Lampoon Dear Bees, I’ve recently come to suspect my girlfriend of being unfaithful, but I don’t have any way to prove it. She just seems different than before. What should I do? Signed, “Concerned Boyfriend” BEES HAVE NO CONCEPT OF JEALOUSY. BECAUSE THE QUEEN BEE IS......

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Being Awkward: Almost Broke

Contributor to The LeaderNovember 4, 2014

November 4, 2014

AWKWARD ANNIE Special to the Lampoon It’s around that time of the semester when you realize that in order to feed yourself for the next sevenweeks, you will have to ration your meals to C-store cashews and tap water. If you are like me, you got the all-points plan and......

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Strange noises, Frankensteins reported near Science Center

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 29, 2014

October 29, 2014

COLIN PERRY Special to the Lampoon The recently-opened Science Center at the heart of campus is being linked to an unprecedented amount of noise complaints and mysterious phenomena. Fifteen reports have been filed to University Police in the last week alone that all claim instances of strange howls, spooky lights......

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Top 10 non-gendered Halloween costumes

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 29, 2014

October 29, 2014

LEO FRANK Lampoon Editor Just you: 1. Cloud. The key to pulling this costume off is to lay down in a body of water and wait until the heat of the sun evaporates you up into the sky. Make it rain this Halloween. 2. Beam of Light. You’ve travelled 75,000......

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The Lampoon’s guide to a successful parent’s weekend

Contributor to The LeaderOctober 22, 2014

October 22, 2014

LEO FRANK Lampoon Editor So, your parents are coming to visit this weekend. They’re excited to see how their little scholar is doing out there in the wide world, and you do not want to disappoint. You want to show them that you’re doing well, you’ve got your act together......

Theater kids are taking over Fredonia

Rating every 2025 Oscar award-winning movie

President Trump signs orders dismantling eight departments

[SATIRE] Fear and Loathing in Talladega: A Journey to Beer-Soaked…

[SCALLION/NEWS] Campus bus leaves students traumatized

[SATIRE/NEWS] Police Notters

Executive Vice President and Provost Dr. David Starrett abruptly leaves…

[SATIRE] Abigail Jacobson, news editor, cancels news

[SCALLION/SPORTS] Volz enlisted to help suffering Sabres

[SCALLION/NEWS] All hail the new era: The Scallion has taken…

Being Awkward: The unreciprocated hello

The Lampoon’s guide to Spring 2015 courses

Sex and the SUNY: like a virgin, chin licked for the very first time

Bookstore to begin selling new ‘double wide’ longboards

Baffling new graffiti tag found around campus

Ask: A Teeming Hive of Bees

Being Awkward: Almost Broke

Strange noises, Frankensteins reported near Science Center

Top 10 non-gendered Halloween costumes

The Lampoon’s guide to a successful parent’s weekend