LEO FRANK
Lampoon Editor
Fredonia student Amanda Carson says she’d been writing a paper in the McEwen computer lab for only
half an hour on Monday when she accidentally let her eyes meet those of a man working across from her.
“Oh, goddamnit,” Carson said ten minutes later. “I think he’s still f***ing looking at me. Is he seriously still looking?”
“F***ing awesome,” she told reporters on the scene. “If he tries to talk to me, I’ll break some bones. For real. I don’t f***ing care at this point, man. I have a f***ing paper to write.”
Witness reports corroborate Carson’s statement that there were literally like, 50 things in a five-foot radius of her to which she’d paid more attention than she had to the man. In fact, sources have confirmed that their eyes “barely even met” and that “it was more like he was already staring and she glanced up for a second, like you do when there’s another human moving around in eyesight.”
To make matters worse, she says, the man continued to seek further eye contact for the remainder of their time seated near each other, and gradually ceased typing, scrolling or otherwise pretending to be doing something other than passive-aggressively and clumsily attempting to initiate a conversation, which would itself be a passive-aggressive and clumsy attempt to initiate some sort of dick-touching scenario.
Ignoring the man did not dissuade him, Carson says, and she was forced to change her tactics. But the man, 21-year-old Brandon Turturro, continued to pursue eye contact despite consistent and overt nonverbal signals from Carson, indicating his attention was unwanted and invasive.
Carson says she employed increasingly direct tactics, ranging from an anger-tinged frown of concentration to a sustained, 10-second glare full of all the fires of Hades itself, during which Turturro smirked and nodded in a manner he “probably thought was flirtatious as shit or some shit like that,” Carson says.
When asked to comment on the exchange, Turturro told reporters that although he wasn’t positive, he had a feeling the exchange went well.
“I don’t know, man,” he said, somehow managing to simultaneously speak and lick his lips like a cartoon bad guy. “She definitely looked at me, so this could definitely go somewhere, you know?”