AMANDA DEDIE
News Editor
Capricorn
If you’ve had a strong craving for nuts lately, you’re either turning into a squirrel or you’re just really horny. Get down to the C-store or Sunny’s, ASAP, and just — dare I say it? — go nuts!
Aquarius
It’s getting colder, Aquarius. Now is the perfect time to listen to that irrational inner-voice that tells you to do insane things for no reason. Before the snow starts falling, just run naked around Ring Road like you’ve always wanted. You won’t regret it.
Pisces
Remember that really embarrassing thing you did when you were in sixth grade? Time to live in constant remembrance of it for the next week!
Aries
You wanna know why they aren’t answering your text? You aren’t trying hard enough. People like to see effort, Aries. I’m talking texts every three minutes at most. Your crush will appreciate your persistence!
Taurus
Pack your things and go to the bus stop by the Williams Center. There will be a key under the seat. Grab the key and open locker 37 at the Fitness Center. There will be a Kit Kat and a bus ticket. Use the ticket to take the Coach U.S.A. bus to Buffalo. Outside there will be an Uber driver named Phil. Give the Kit Kat to Phil. I can’t tell you what’ll happen next, but it’s gonna blow your mind. Trust me on this one.
Gemini
STOP COMPLAINING TO EVERYONE ABOUT YOUR DUMB, SELF-IMPOSED DIET. You’d complain less if you just went to Willy’s and ordered three large meat-lovers pizzas and some chicken tenders like you, and everyone who has had to hear you complain about your unnecessary diet, want you to.
Cancer
Remember that girl in high school who made fun of you for no reason other than to make her feel better about her own life? Go Facebook stalk her. As a matter of fact, Facebook stalk everyone from your high school. You’ve been feeling down lately, Cancer, and it’s time for a pick-me-up by making you feel better about your lives in comparison to the failures of the former high school kings and queens.
Leo
Dear Leo,
Please take a frickin’ chill pill.
Love, everyone else on campus.
Virgo
Let loose for once, Virgo. Get crazy! Don’t spell check that paper, mis-match your socks and, if you wanna go REAL nuts, skip a class for the first time this semester!
Libra
Stop. Being. An. Ass.
Scorpio
If you end up getting really hungry, post on Facebook asking for food from friends with points. Make yourself sound really hungry and desperate, and someone will come in clutch.
Sagittarius
Tomorrow is THROWBACK THURSDAY, dudes. Put on some Cheetah Girls, rock out to some High School Musical and, if you really wanna make some friends, blast some Nickelback!