EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
It seems these past few semesters that, no matter where you turn on campus, there’s construction going on — Rockefeller, the Science Center and now, the bridge between McEwen and the Williams Center.
You may ask yourself, “Will it ever end?”
Such a question is like asking, “How do magnets work?” Nobody really knows.
What is known, however, is that the construction on the bridge is actually a cover-up for a murder on campus. Alright, it wasn’t exactly a murder, but someone did die, supposedly. There isn’t any tangible evidence yet, but there have been strong rumors about a student’s death coming from people who “wouldn’t lie about something like that.”
Two witnesses — who asked not to be named — say the victim was eating a burrito from El Diablo Azul when he suddenly dropped his burrito, turned pale and clutched his abdomen.
“He started sweating and shaking uncontrollably. I was terrified,” said one witness.
That’s when something only heard of in legends happened: The student let out a massive barrage of simultaneous bodily functions. He let out a fabled burp-fart-cough-sneeze and immediately burst like an egg in a microwave.
Both witnesses said that the event was “disturbing,” but when one admitted that it was “kinda cool though,” the other agreed.
Unfortunately neither of these students had time to contact authorities — they were both on the way to a class where “the professor actually takes attendance.”
Rumor has it that the construction happening campus is an attempt by Fredonia to hide the death of this student — a claim that the university strongly denies.
The most obvious explanation for the supposed sudden, intense death of the student would have something to do with the burrito from El Diablo Azul. It would explain why, if the rumors are true, the university would cover up the scene. One student claims to have seen part of a shoe stuck in the cement underneath the bridge, but that has yet to be investigated.
In any case, be careful about what you eat, Fredonia — you might end up being the next construction site on campus.