MISSY FEOLA
Staff Lampoonist
On Jan. 21, the world was cursed with a fifth Jonas brother. With him, he brought a great amount of fury in the form of a terrible snowstorm.
Nick, Joe, Kevin and Frankie Jonas were excitedly awaiting the arrival of their newborn brother. They kept their mother’s pregnancy a secret, but there were hints to the baby in some of the lyrics in Nick Jonas’ latest album. For example, in his hit song “Jealous,” the lyrics, “It’s my right to get hellish, I still get jealous,” are actually referring to Nick Jonas’ jealousy of his new brother.
“I was just afraid that he would get more attention than me when he came into this world,” said Nick Jonas during an interview last week. “I need to be the most talked-about Jonas brother. Not him.”
To Nick Jonas’ dismay, the fifth Jonas brother got way more attention than him.
After he was born, having met his family, baby Jonas immediately became enraged. He was furious that he was brought into the world too late to have been a part of the Jonas Brother’s group. He felt cheated out of a life of fame and notoriety that Joe, Kevin and Nick (Frankie doesn’t count) got to experience.
Side note: If you happen to be the parent of a popular boy band at some point in your life, please do not have another child years later who cannot be a part of the band. This is a silly, and foolish, thing to do.
Joe Jonas, who was there for the birth of baby Jonas in New York, commented on the event.
“Right as he was born, the entire room just became ice cold, and he looked so angry,” he said. “It was bizarre. We were all so confused.”
Baby Jonas holds within him powers similar to those of Elsa’s from “Frozen.”
At about 1:10 p.m. on Jan. 22, the Jonas snowstorm began to take over the East Coast. Millions of people felt the wrath of baby Jonas, while buried in mountains of snow and getting blown away by powerful winds. The storm was so brutal that it took the lives of 27 innocent people.
Baby Jonas is now being kept in a secluded and confined area, and will stay there for the remainder of his life. He will never be able to create a hit song alongside his brothers as he had hoped.
In other news, Nick Jonas will be starring in a fraternity movie called “Goat,” a movie about frat boys and their pet goats.