- RAVIOLI
Staff Lampoonist
For years, The Leader has kept Fredonia students up-to-date on local news, sporting events and some of the most brilliant satire. The paper’s long success has only been possible because of a constant flow of hard-working and dedicated staff.
As usual, executive board elections were held, and next year’s staff members were proudly announced. Initially, the decisions seemed perfect, and the staff were happily looking forward to the upcoming Fall semester.
However, as they gazed at their photos like proud parents, the members suddenly had a compelling twinge of skepticism.
Why the hell did they elect Riley Straw for Managing Editor?
Panic and anger ensued throughout the whole staff (besides Straw, who was out doing who-knows-what).
“The Leader will go out of business because Riley will go AWOL and leave us hanging,” said Editor in Chief S. L. Fuller. “He’s unreliable. He disappeared for a whole week, did absolutely no editing and came back to nonchalantly tell us he was auditioning for ‘The Voice.’ Next thing you know, he’ll be running for ‘America’s Next Top Model’ or something.”
(In fact, Straw didn’t even edit this article before it went to press despite being in his section. For shame!)
Reverb Co-Editor Rebecca Hale couldn’t have agreed more.
“I always viewed Riley as the Starbucks poster-child with his wanna-be hipster tendencies,” said Hale.
Connor Hoffman, News Editor-elect and the man behind the “Conservative Corner,” takes a lot of pride in keeping an orderly system in place.
“A long-standing organization like The Leader is dependent on diligence and consistency,” said Hoffman. “How can we expect that from a man who can’t even decide on a hair color?”
One factor that didn’t seem to be helping Straw’s case among his peers was his history as a staff writer and editor for the Lampoon. Even the newest Lampoonists can tell you that writing satire only makes you a master at falsifying information. By that logic, Straw is the absolute worst candidate to be managing the whole entire Leader. He simply does not have what it takes to earn the respect of such an honorable group of professionals.
Distribution Manager Curtis Henry had an interesting perspective that revealed Straw’s dishonest side.
“I’ve always been speculative of Riley’s honesty,” said Henry. “At his last Lampoon meeting, I overheard him say he doesn’t like Beyoncé. How can we trust a gay guy who doesn’t like Beyoncé? Ya always gotta respect the Queen Bee.”
Business Manager Kevin Gleason loudly interjected, “Beyoncé is bae, first of all, and nobody likes Riley trash-talking her! She gives us so much hope, UNLIKE Riley.”
It was clear to the whole staff that The Leader would only crumble with Straw as the managing editor. Instead of holding an emergency meeting to re-elect, all hope was simply lost, and an executive decision was made to shut it down altogether. It was a sad, but necessary, decision.
With The Leader in the toilet, the most difficult part wasn’t over yet. All of the now has-beens solemnly made their way to Straw’s little corner of the office to softly break the news to him. Afterall, there was no way they were going to hold that meeting with him included.
Surprise, surprise: The mediocre, almost-managing editor was nowhere in sight. Everyone was baffled and enraged. Exasperated, everyone plopped down in the nearest chair and put their heads down. It was an emotionally draining day.
Everyone was suddenly jolted out of their rest by the sounds of shouts and thumps coming from outside. They went out to do some investigating and at one point, all looked up.
Wouldn’t you know, there was Straw on the roof, engaged in drunken fencing with the Fredonia LARPers.