- RAVIOLI
Staff Lampoonist
With temperatures still hovering around 50-55 degrees Fahrenheit and expected to stay that way through the semester, some would say that Fredonia’s weather is just as messed up as always. The terrifying truth, however, is that global warming is, indeed, real and is showing itself more prominently than ever.
Most people have noticed that although winter has eased up this year, it’s still not quite spring yet. With any combination of cold, wind or rain happening daily, many students feel like they’ve gotten cheated into wearing their dorky looking bulky jackets longer than they should have to. They’d rather be wearing the cute stuff they spent hundreds on during Spring Break preparing for warm weather.
In response to the constant griping over the weather, school officials have made a decision to extend Summer Break.
“All I hear day in and day out now is students whining about, ‘When is the sun coming out’ and, ‘It’s not fair, we had to dress like eskimos all year,’” said Vice President for Student Affairs David Herman. “It’s irritating but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to give them extra time to enjoy the late-blooming summer months. At the very least, it’ll shut them up so I can enjoy the last few weeks of my job before retiring.”
This decision only makes sense given that this upcoming summer is expected to last into October, at least.
With the ever-rising threat of global warming effect, one of Fredonia’s prestiged professors has taken it upon herself to develop a plan for the issue.
Dr. Sherri Mason, professor of chemistry and biochemistry, was recently awarded the Environmental Champion Award from the Environmental Protection Agency for her efforts in eliminating the production and use of plastic microbeads in manufactured products. She now believes she has a plan for the global warming issue.
“We know that one of the main factors involved in global warming is carbon dioxide emission,” Mason said. “It’s common knowledge that the biggest culprits in this situation are plants. All they do 24/7 is emit carbon dioxide and it’s destroying our planet.”
Mason went on to explain that she plans on using the extra time from her extended summer vacation to organize a crew to cut down all of the trees and eliminate all of the plant life in Fredonia. She says it’s a huge step toward tackling a life-threatening problem in addition to saving the Earth.