PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Lampoonist
As the Fall semester comes to a screeching halt, ideas of vacation have been blooming. Students have abandoned the traditional winter break ideas of napping, diving into a pool of puppies and going somewhere warm. These ideas prove to be sub-par compared to the newest rage: hunting for Hillary Clinton.
After a mother and a daughter snapped a quick pic with Clinton during a festive hike, social media outlets have continued to blow the circumstance out of the water.
“I literally couldn’t breathe when I opened my Twitter. I was all ‘crying of laughter face emoji’ when I saw that someone found her on a trail. Who knew she hiked?” said Twitter-meme queen Isabella Knowles.
The “hike” Knowles is referring to is an activity Clinton engages in often. Citizens from Wyoming, Texas and New York have even spotted Clinton walking the scenic trails the states have to offer.
“As a resident of Wyoming, it’s in the contract that you have to hike at least ten miles a day. I was just meeting my daily quota when I saw golden hair in the distance. I walked closer to the figure and heard squeals from a wild boar being wrestled to the ground. Then turns around Hillary wearing zero traces of makeup and fresh wild boar innards hanging from her mouth. Naturally, I took a picture,” Stevie Hicks said.
The picture Hicks snapped was immediately uploaded to Instagram with the “Hudson” filter, and the photo garnered almost one million likes. Unfortunately, a Texas father of three didn’t “like” the picture one bit.
“My daughter showed me the picture. I was disturbed. Who does she think she is, Davy Crockett? I’ll have her know that if I catch her on my property, I’ll have zero control over my crossbow finger. It’s definitely itching,” legitimately scary dad Ralph Eisenhower said.
A week later, Eisenhower was found sedated on a trail behind his house with one single strand of blonde hair on his flannel shirt. Authorities had their reservations, but the evidence was clear: Clinton had been hiking there. A single polaroid picture depicting a selfie between the Texan and politician is what confirmed the speculation.
Unfortunately, the carnage caused by Clinton didn’t end in Texas but rather found its way up north in New York. Clinton was seen at numerous grocery stores stocking up on protein bars for her next series of hikes.
“I think it’s great that she’s exercising and being herself after this gruesome election. I see her here all the time. She loves berry-flavored Kombucha and peanut butter Clif Bars. Anyway, would you like paper or plastic?” former-New York-congressman-turned-Wegmans-cashier Anthony Weiner said.
Hillary’s hiking excursions may be coming to a close this winter. However, residents still have the opportunity to take a selfie with her that can last a lifetime.