PATRICK BENNETT
Staff Scallywag
This past weekend, affluent members of the esteemed Palm Beach Mar-a-Lago were surprised to learn that their stay was magnificent, due to the hard work of Russian operatives posing as butlers.
“When we booked our overnight stay at the resort we were met with beautiful service by those who worked there. Nothing seemed off, to be honest. Well, except for the fact that the man who delivered our room service demanded our Facebook passwords and suntan lotion. I happily forked over the suntan lotion no problem. The man was pale,” Palm Beach resident and loving father Ronald Hemsworth said.
Hemsworth’s story seemed all too familiar for other patrons who enjoyed their pricey stay at the resort that weekend. There also seemed to be a surge in flash mob tendencies in the main lobby of the resort. The flash mob was met with mixed reviews.
“My husband and I were waiting patiently for the next round of gin and tonics when suddenly an assortment of butlers came out of nowhere, break dancing and singing the State Anthem of the Russian Federation. I wasn’t appalled at the choice of song, although I do think it could’ve used a little more of a ‘High School Musical’ vibe,” patron Jennifer Wintour said, in between alarmingly long sips of her gin and tonic beverage.
Once the news of the Russian operative employment at Mar-A-Lago leaked into the mainstream press, President and owner of the resort, Donald Trump, was all but enthused. Tensions rose during his interview with The Scallion, especially having been interrupted in the middle of an intense game of Connect Four versus Jared Kushner.
“Truth be told, I had no idea about this situation. I try to run my resort as best as I can. I’ll usually Facetime the manager of workers at the Mar-A-Lago, Salazar Serpiente, to get the latest scoop on any issues. Damn you, Jared, I think it’s time for you to die,” Trump said, lunging at Kushner’s throat after a tough loss of the red and yellow connection game.
The manager at Mar-A-Lago, Serpiente, offered a few choice words about the situation using suspicious undertones and resting bitch face.
“We don’t employ anybody from outside the state of Florida, to be honest. Why would we hire people from a different country? Are
you stupid? Whatever, if people from Russia
actually worked here then — oh my God, my Facebook has been hacked!” Serpiente said, having just realized his profile picture was changed to a shirtless Vladimir Putin.
According to top officials and Yelp reviews, the longtime patrons of Mar-A-Lago actually preferred the service by Russian operatives compared to regular Floridian people.
“I’m just happy to be here and serve the rich American,” head butler Boris Popov said in Russian, with a sinister grin.