DEMI CRITIC
Political Novice of The Scallion
It’s no secret that we at The Scallion take journalistic integrity seriously. So seriously, that we sometimes have to dig up the dirt ourselves.
The tell-all of a pornstar on “60 Minutes” proved to be one hell of a Stormy situation. Inspired by this groundbreaking interview, The Scallion set out to find a groundbreaking interview of our own on this administration. We found our salvation in the form of Gregory Simon, who serves as the White House Senior Advisor of Bronzer and Other Tanning Appliances.
“My title is pretty long, so it tends to get abridged into things like ‘the bronzer’ or Trump’s tanner’ or ‘that scrawny piece of shit over there,’” Simon said, looking down as he twirls his thumbs around each other. “It’s a pretty rough work environment, but the six figure-salary makes it all worth it.”
In an average day, Simon wakes up with President Trump at 2 a.m. While Trump is preparing his daily bombardment of Toiletside Tweets, Simon is preparing the perfect blend of Tyrannical Tangerine to later apply to every wrinkle on Trump’s scraggly old hag body.
“It’s pretty demanding. Like yeah, the Department of Homeland Security has it rough, but one time I missed a spot that was hidden under a love handle and I swear I almost got my head chewed off by his hairpiece,” Simon said.
According to Simon, that has been his only slip up in this position. He defines himself as hardworking, meticulous and swears he’s “not as scrawny as his co-workers suggest.”
“It’s wild to think that I’m working this closely with a sitting president. Generally, I work with first ladies, but never a president,” Simon said gleefully. “It warms my heart to see my work on the television as he spews his majesty of words.”
With all the changes that the administration has gone through, Simon takes pride in that he is one of the few people who have been with Trump since his administration officially began in January of 2017.
“I’ve gotten very close with Jeff Sessions. Lately, I’ve been giving him foundation and general contouring lessons to help ease the critique that he looks like a racist Keebler elf,” Simon said.
Sessions refused to comment.