JOSEPH R. BIDEN
Candidate for United States President and Guest Writer
(Actually just Joseph Marciniak, Scallion Editor)
Folks, this race is getting real serious. Dang nabit, I don’t have time to address all the issues.
Well look, I’ve got some pretty strong opponents; they know what they’re doing. And the thing — what I’m trying to say here is that there’s — you folks know, my opponents — there’s a lot of malarky going around. And what I intend to do — I’m gonna put an end to it.
I plan — and you can quote me on this — I plan to beat the hell out of anyone who has any sort of malarky.
I’m a certified Oboma-Barden Democrat, the good kind. We believe — you won’t hear this from my opponents — we believe in getting things done.
Just look at my record: I beat the hell out of my ol’ pal Mitch McConnell’s behind in high school. I don’t — and I’m being serious — I don’t mess around.
Folks, I’m fighting for you. I’m not fighting for the folks who — the big guys, those guys that don’t need help — I’m beating the hell out of ’em, because they’re darn tootin’ full of malarky.
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So kiss your mama and tell your Aunt Jean that ol’ Uncle Joey is runnin’ — and we’ve got — well look, we’ve got more support than any candidate, because — and I’m gonna get things done!
Bernie thinks he’s gonna win because of his — he’s got his gadgets and young people — and the Socialism. How about we have some common sense — get some common sense politics, Bernie? Where’s the Bernie fightin’ for the little guy — where’s the go-getter Bernie?
Look folks, all I wanna say is this: no malarky! I love that phrase, my mama down in Nevada — malarky doesn’t run in my family, and it shouldn’t in yours, either. If you bring — well look, if you bring any malarky, I will beat the hell out of you.