THALIA MAGISTRO
Staff Scallywag
ALBANY, N.Y. — In a press conference Monday morning, Gov. Andrew Cuomo announced updated travel restrictions in relation to the Western New York region. According to Cuomo, travel to and from the region is restricted exclusively to Tuesdays and Fridays from 7 p.m. to 9 a.m.
“This has nothing to do with COVID-19,” Cuomo claimed when asked.
“In fact, COVID is one of my favorite of the Classical poets. I’m tired of those goofy-looking Bills fans over there. I just think Western New York needs to remember that they need the rest of the state. You can’t live on nothing but wings and loganberry.”
Cuomo, gripping his podium, knuckles white with effort, continued, “Bison isn’t even the flavor you absolute loons. It’s god damn french onion dip and you know it! I have a container right here because you aren’t special.”
Cuomo straightened up.
His white press conference polo was straining against his nipples as he rubbed his hands in a maniacal fashion. “I’ve started construction in secret factories across the state of an easy-to-assemble dome to fit over all of the region so none of those yokels can get out,” Cuomo said. “It’s not that I don’t care about the people in the region, after all, some college students are from the safe areas of the state where I don’t hear ‘I know wings’ every two blocks.”
The governor licked his lips and pulled a box of sponge candy out of his podium.
He pulled his mask down, slipped a piece in and grabbed the french onion dip, spitting the candy into the container.
He turned to one of his advisors and his lips could be seen mouthing “They eat that?” and “That’s disgusting.”
He turned back to the microphone and said, “Look, they just aren’t real New Yorkers and I think maybe they should just stay over there. I’m not saying we could sell them to Canada, but would it really be that bad if we did?”
Mayor Byron Brown of Buffalo reportedly responded Tuesday morning with, “Good. We don’t need him or his tax money, he can keep us out. It won’t matter because I have an ace up my sleeve: stupid idiot college kids partying every weekend. The more they party, the more this region’s cases go up. Get them high enough and FEMA might come in and give us their money.”
Brown then dipped a wing in a container of ranch dressing and took a massive bite, pulling the meat off the bone with his teeth in one clean stroke.
He continued, “I’d like to see pretty-boy over there try THAT.”
The travel ban goes into effect Monday at 7 p.m. and lasts until the massive dome has finished construction.