MATTHEW BAUM
God of the Ocean
(I still don’t know the order, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask, so here we go)
VIRGO: You’ve got a lot of tension in your neck and shoulders. Take a minute to stretch your muscles a little.
TAURUS: I’d like you to pick a bouquet of flowers for somebody this week, it’ll do ya good and make somebody’s day.
CANCER: Go touch some grass, you poser.
SAGITTARIUS: Here’s the thing, hotshot. You’ve got no idea how hard it is to come up for things for you! Like, what’s your deal, you know? Go out there and make some decisions, I guess.
CAPRICORN: Hell yeah, dude! Go get ‘em! You’re doing things, you’re making stuff happen, and everyone knows it.
AQUARIUS: When’s the last time you drank some water? Uh-huh, just what I thought. Shame on you, water sign.
GEMINI: I think I speak for everyone when I say, wowza. You need some sleep. I know, it’s hard to get your brain to slow down for even a second, but for your sake and for everyone else’s sake, try your best.
PISCES: You should pick up a new hobby! I think you’re limiting yourself by not exploring new things that might interest you, and it could be fun to try new things!
LEO: I only just now realized your star sign is named after a lion. Rock on! You’ve got Star Lion (Mufasa) on your side!
SCORPIO: What I wouldn’t give to know what you’re thinking right now. You’re an enigma to me, Scorpio. Here’s my advice: Don’t bite anybody this week. Can you handle that?
LIBRA: Wow, I totally forgot you existed, Libra! Sorry about that. Anyway, I suggest that you buy another plushie. You deserve another plushie. Plushie for you, plushie for me. Plushie time.
ARIES: Okay, Aries, you know how Libra has Plushie Time? You need Shushie Time. Take a chill pill, my friend. You’ve gotta let go of some of that anger you’re holding on to.