JAY BYRON
Staff Scallywag
Welcome to horoscopes. I’m going to tell you how you should prepare for finals.
Aries: skim over everything posted on oncourse and if your class doesn’t have any oncourse posts, just improv it
Taurus: create an incredibly believable story (example: my laptop was thrown into the refrigerator, breaded and fried for 5 minutes on each side to create an even texture as a science experiment because i’m considering buying a new one) and email it to each of your professors/lecturers. just in case! and that’s all you need to do. also, if you WANT to actually attempt that, have fun!
Gemini: you’re gonna ACE it, bud! don’t study! just eat some flamin’ hot cheetos, ride your scooter and blast off!
Cancer: while you study (because i know you’ll feel the most immense amount of anxiety if you don’t for 6 hours straight), order doordash. make sure it’s from applebees in specific, because you know spending that money is gonna give you the weirdest elation.
Leo: try going vegan i guess. and if you’re already vegan, eat grass <3
Virgo: you shouldn’t prepare for finals because you already have somehow. you’re going to go into these finals with everything memorized because you listened to 50 different videos on the subjects in your sleep.
Libra: keep repeating “guys if the teacher doesn’t show up after 15 minutes we are legally allowed to leave”
Scorpio: study for like two hours before the final. but don’t do it any other time, because then you’re gonna get it mixed up with another class, and you’ll be mad at me.
Sagittarius: sorry you’re gonna biff it and there’s nothing to help you :/
Capricorn: study by taking the notes and rewriting them but pretend you’re a raccoon while you’re doing it to really get into a different mindset.
Aquarius: DON’T. DO. DRUGS. BEFORE. YOUR. EXAMS. unless love counts as a drug. do love
Pisces: get a cat!