March 6, 2026
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[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What dessert should you bring to your fall…

The ultimate cran-baby tier list

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The Leader

Horoscopes

Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes as random stuff happening in the news right now

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: < 1 minuteJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag This is the signs as all the random stuff happening in the news right now! Aries: Casual wildfires happening Taurus: Going back and forth between freezing weather and almost 80 degrees Gemini: Lorde shushing the audience because she wants to have the solo Cancer: The Met Gala......
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Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Predicting how your week is gonna go

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutesJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome back to your favorite article series ever. I’m here to do a classic: predict how your week is gonna go. Aries: It’s your time to shine, Aries, and you know it! The winds are beckoning you. You’re gonna spend some well-deserved time outside, probably near the......
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Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How to make friends

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome to horoscopes. I will be providing an instructional guide about how to finally make friends. Aries: Get into NFTs, but in an ironic way. Fake it on Twitter so you can gather a bunch of NFT bro followers, then right-click-save their profile pictures and threaten them......
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Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome to horoscopes. I’m going to tell you how you should prepare for finals. Aries: skim over everything posted on oncourse and if your class doesn’t have any oncourse posts, just improv it Taurus: create an incredibly believable story (example: my laptop was thrown into the refrigerator,......
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Scallion

[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What leftover candy gives off the same vibe as your sign?

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Editor of the Scallion and Confectionery Connoisseur  Aries: You give off big Milky Way energy. You have a tendency to approach things in your life very head-on, and that’s fine, but some will be taken aback by your straightforwardness. Taurus: Alright, now this is interesting! You’re off the......
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Scallion

Horoscopes

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: < 1 minuteHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag  the signs as stuff in fredonia aries: Sunny’s taurus: strawberry lemonade from Starbucks gemini: Uppercrust  cancer: Reed Library leo: the clock tower virgo: Canadaway Street libra: overpriced sweatshirt at the bookstore  scorpio: Muldoon’s sagittarius: Tuscany capricorn: the F in Fredonia that got stolen that one time ......
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Scallion

Horoscopes

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Reading Time: < 1 minuteHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag  How the signs spend their mental health days aries: definitely not the homework they’ve been meaning to do since week 2 taurus: listening to chug jug with you 12 hour version  gemini: playing modded minecraft for the entire day, only stopping to piss and eat pizza......
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