[SATIRE] Who will be the next U.S. Senator?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor Ding dong, Dianne Feinstein is dead! Dianne Feinstein, the 90-year-old former senator, passed away on Sept. 23, 2023 and people fought for her spot on the Senate. Even though Laphonza Butler acquired the spot, she does not intend to permanently fill it. Thus, an opportunity arises. ......
[SATIRE] Five Night’s At Freddy’s: A movie review
ABIGAIL JACOBSON Asst. News Editor I’m pretty sure we all have heard of the recent horror film, Five Nights at Freddy’s (FNAF), that came out on Oct. 27. You may have heard good reviews, bad reviews and other things as well. The FNAF movie, in my opinion, was terrific! For......
[SATIRE] Quiz: Which nostalgic computer game are you?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor I’m gonna be honest with y’all, I’ve been really sad recently. Sh*t just happens and you feel like you’re not slaying the haus down boots queen wig like you really want to. When that happens, I play Wizard 101. What game should you play? Take this......
My qualms with pocketless clothing
ISABELLA INZINNA Staff Writer There’s an age-old issue that anyone who wears women’s clothes struggles with. Something that, for whatever reason, we can’t seem to fix. An issue that many people are very familiar with: Pockets. Everyone loves pockets, they’re very handy. With a good pocket, you can eliminate the......
[SATIRE] A football guide for Swifties
MATT VOLZ Sports Editor I used to be the only one who liked football and Taylor Swift. I can remember a time where I wore my Josh Allen jersey and Taylor-inspired friendship bracelets, confusing the heck out of everyone who passed by. I was the one and only “Football Swiftie,”......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What skeleton are you?
JACE JACOBSAssistant Editor of The Scallion, Amateur Skeleton Wrangler Happy spooky season Fredheads (I know spooky season is an outdated phrase but I’m allowed to use it, I keep my Halloween decorations up year-round so you can’t judge me)! I have discovered a recent passion of mine, and that is......
[SATIRE]: Lauren Boebert … Maybe don’t do that.
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor and Theater Nerd Hey Girly Pop! I’m so happy you decided to either randomly pick up this student-run newspaper from a state you’re not even in or search “Lauren Boebert Leader” on Google only to find this! I wanted to reach out and ask about your......
[SATIRE] Vote for Dan! …one of them.[SATIRE]
DAN GRANADOS Business Manager DAN QUAGLIANA News Editor Hello, this is Timmy Toni, reporting back from the DNC (Dan National Convention). We have two extraordinary candidates for this race. Running for the position of “King Dan,” we have Dan Granados, from the Business Party, and Dan Quagliana, from the Editors’......
[SATIRE] What 2024 presidential candidate will win in the race? (the 100m dash)
HUNTER HALTERMAN Track Star* Contrary to popular belief, presidential candidates should not be judged on how well they can run our country. Instead, they should be judged on how well they can run a 100-meter dash. It is 100 meters of not just sprinting, but also courage, determination and willpower.......