[SATIRE] Top 10 Reasons Why My Dad Should Be President
JACE JACOBS Assistant Scallion Editor Photo By TARA WINSTEAD | Provided by Pexels Election season is quickly approaching, and I thought it would benefit the public to know why I feel my father would be the best choice for president of the United States. (PS. Please don’t tell him I......
[SATIRE] KENERGY: A RETROSPECTIVE
JACE JACOBS Assistant Scallion Editor Since the release of the “Barbie” movie, a new phenomenon has been sweeping the nation: Kenergy. Unfortunately, this movement has been misconstrued and overtaken by what I call “Fens” (fake Kens). Kenergy isn’t for every man, and some men don’t get that. Kenergy is for......
[SATIRE] QUIZ: Does Your Crush Like You Back?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor Graphic by KAROLINA GRABOWSKA | Courtesy of Pexels In my humble editor’s opinion, you really shouldn’t date in college because college people are icky, but if you REALLY want to know if your crush likes you, I suggest taking this quiz! Question #1: What is your......
[SATIRE] PLEASE write for the Scallion
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor Photo by Element5 Digital | Courtesy of Pexels Dear Witty Wordsmiths and Hilarious Humans, Greetings from the Headquarters of The Scallion, the renowned newspaper section that tickles funny bones and stimulates chuckles on a daily basis! We hope this letter finds you in a state of......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes 5/3
JACE JACOBSGuest Scallywag, Semi-Pro Interpreter of the Stars This month the stars have some wisdom for the signs on where they’ll meet their soulmates. Keep an eye out for platonic and romantic vibes alike! Aries: As soon as the alien invasion happens, that’s where you’ll find your soulmate. Only someone......