[SATIRE] Horoscopes
JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome to horoscopes. I’m going to tell you how you should prepare for finals. Aries: skim over everything posted on oncourse and if your class doesn’t have any oncourse posts, just improv it Taurus: create an incredibly believable story (example: my laptop was thrown into the refrigerator,......
[SATIRE] These are my thoughts and you’re going to read them
JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag So, the Scallion, huh? Isn’t it fun? A little silly? Whatever. Anyway, point is, I’m writing some stuff and I don’t care what you think because I’m a little punk. Chicken Fingers. They’re a bit tasty, but you absolutely have to get them from the right place.......
[SATIRE] BREAKING: Ariana Grande and Starbucks to collaborate even more annoyingly than Justin Bieber and Tim Horton’s
MATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor In a move that has surprised literally nobody, Starbucks has found another way to bring despair into the lives of consumers everywhere. Following the announcement of the Justin Bieber and Tim Horton’s collaboration — with the pop artist’s agents definitely having spun a wheel of nonsense......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes: What leftover candy gives off the same vibe as your sign?
MATTHEW BAUM Editor of the Scallion and Confectionery Connoisseur Aries: You give off big Milky Way energy. You have a tendency to approach things in your life very head-on, and that’s fine, but some will be taken aback by your straightforwardness. Taurus: Alright, now this is interesting! You’re off the......
[SATIRE] Why we should parachute beavers onto the Fredonia campus
JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag The other day, I was scrolling on my phone like any zoomer might do. I checked every single social media account for something to catch my eye, but alas, I was brought to boredom. Nothing was doing it for me. Why is this world so boring? I......
Tall tale: The silent driver
OLIVIA CLAMP Special to The Leader It is Jonathan’s last night in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, so he and his friends decide to have a rowdy last night bar hopping around the city. The humid August air hits Jonathan as he leaves the pub. He will not be visiting for another few......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes (10.19.2021)
JAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hi guys this is my first time writing horoscopes so please be kind. However you must BE AWARE. I know a lot. How close the signs are to losing their marbles this week and what you can do to prevent it: Aries: not close to losing your......
True terror: Unhuman faces in the dark
KATHERINE HILTON Special to The Leader According to the author, all of the story is true and none of the pictures have been altered from their original form. In May of 2021, my best friends and I were staying at Allegheny State park in one of the old rentable cabins.......