The Scallion - Page 54 of 88 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

Report: College professors out to make your day a living hell: Believe the rumors

Contributor to The LeaderApril 19, 2017

April 19, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist After being caught having sexual relations with multiple dinosaurs in the Science Center, freshman biology major Winky Houdini passed out from exhaustion last week. This exhaustion, according to doctors, wasn’t caused by prehistoric coitus but rather a tough workload this semester. Upon......

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The Lampoon’s Guide to Surviving WWIII

Contributor to The LeaderApril 19, 2017

April 19, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist As World War III (most likely) approaches, this list is the No. 1 survival guide you should have in your back pocket/fanny pack/weapon holster. You never know when you’re going to need a little help surviving the pre-apocalypse! Replace your......

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Energy drink dealer spotted in Reed Library

Contributor to The LeaderApril 19, 2017

April 19, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes JACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist The other day, word got around that someone in Reed Library was illegally selling drinks to students. As finals are surely but scarily approaching, one unknown shady man reportedly decided to sell espresso shots and energy drinks to students who were struggling......

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“Finals Week” changed to “Exam Week”

Contributor to The LeaderApril 12, 2017

April 12, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist Fredonia’s decision to change “Dead Week” to “Study Weeks” caused a mild sensation on campus this past week. The name change apparently stemmed from a desire to take a negative connotation away from the week that takes place before Finals Week, a time that......

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In retirement, Undertaker finds comfort in gardening: The darkness succumbs to the light

Contributor to The LeaderApril 12, 2017

April 12, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist Weighing in at 300 lbs and a towering height of 6 feet 10 inches, WWE’s token weird uncle, The Undertaker, has finally traded in his leather pants for gardening gloves. Since The Undertaker retired from the WWE during the entertainment cash-grab that was “WrestleMania......

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Golf course to be installed behind White House

Contributor to The LeaderApril 5, 2017August 25, 2019

April 5, 2017August 25, 2019

Reading Time: 2 minutes EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist In an apparent attempt to make being the President of the United States more exciting, Donald Trump has ordered the installation of a golf course behind the White House. Construction on the 18-hole golf course is set to begin sometime in the......

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Police Notter

Contributor to The LeaderApril 5, 2017

April 5, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes PATRICE DOLLAR SIGNS Staff Lampoonist Sunday, March 26, 2017 4 p.m. The tumultuous noise of pop-punk was heard blaring out of a student’s car. A ticket of $1 million was issued. The perpetrator will see their day in court. 6:30 p.m. A man......

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GameStop to rip you off more to compensate for store closings

Contributor to The LeaderApril 5, 2017

April 5, 2017

Reading Time: 3 minutes ALBERTO GONZALEZ & CONNOR MAUCHE Staff Lampoonist & Special to the Lampoon GameStop, also known as the Blockbuster of games, closed around 150 stores in an attempt to stem the financial bloodbath that is their business. We reached out to Aron Ralston to get first hand......

Scallion

Police Notter

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes ZOE KIRIAZIS Guest Lampoonist Sunday, March 5, 2017 A noise complaint was made in Eisenhower Hall at 7:42 p.m. after three large thuds were heard on the second floor. An R.A came to investigate the noise and discovered a resident who was repeatedly throwing their......

Scallion

Video surveillance shows Obama tap dancing on Trump’s landline

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017September 9, 2019

March 29, 2017September 9, 2019

Reading Time: 2 minutes JACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist Multiple citizens reportedly saw a man tap dancing on one of President Donald Trump’s landlines the other morning. After reviewing video surveillance, it has been discovered that the very man tapping his toes on Trump’s wire was former President Barack Obama.......

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Report: College professors out to make your day a living hell: Believe the rumors

The Lampoon’s Guide to Surviving WWIII

Energy drink dealer spotted in Reed Library

“Finals Week” changed to “Exam Week”

In retirement, Undertaker finds comfort in gardening: The darkness succumbs to the light

Golf course to be installed behind White House

Police Notter

GameStop to rip you off more to compensate for store closings

Police Notter

Video surveillance shows Obama tap dancing on Trump’s landline