The Scallion - Page 55 of 88 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

Police Notter

Contributor to The LeaderApril 5, 2017

April 5, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes PATRICE DOLLAR SIGNS Staff Lampoonist Sunday, March 26, 2017 4 p.m. The tumultuous noise of pop-punk was heard blaring out of a student’s car. A ticket of $1 million was issued. The perpetrator will see their day in court. 6:30 p.m. A man......

Scallion

GameStop to rip you off more to compensate for store closings

Contributor to The LeaderApril 5, 2017

April 5, 2017

Reading Time: 3 minutes ALBERTO GONZALEZ & CONNOR MAUCHE Staff Lampoonist & Special to the Lampoon GameStop, also known as the Blockbuster of games, closed around 150 stores in an attempt to stem the financial bloodbath that is their business. We reached out to Aron Ralston to get first hand......

Scallion

Police Notter

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes ZOE KIRIAZIS Guest Lampoonist Sunday, March 5, 2017 A noise complaint was made in Eisenhower Hall at 7:42 p.m. after three large thuds were heard on the second floor. An R.A came to investigate the noise and discovered a resident who was repeatedly throwing their......

Scallion

Video surveillance shows Obama tap dancing on Trump’s landline

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017September 9, 2019

March 29, 2017September 9, 2019

Reading Time: 2 minutes JACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist Multiple citizens reportedly saw a man tap dancing on one of President Donald Trump’s landlines the other morning. After reviewing video surveillance, it has been discovered that the very man tapping his toes on Trump’s wire was former President Barack Obama.......

Scallion

Man requests to be put back into coma after awakening in 2017

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 3 minutes ALBERTO GONZALEZ Staff Lampoonist A man who was the on the receiving end of a medical miracle awoke after 15 years last week. Nile List awoke from a coma he sustained after falling victim to a stray bullet that was shot into the air on the Fourth......

Scallion

NASA announces plans to convert flat earthers: Is Earth really round?

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist There are many things that are flat: a garlic and herb Triscuit cracker, a tabletop and a frat member’s head after his bro hits him with a sledgehammer during a 5-day bender. Now, according to top science officials including Shaquille O’Neal, B.O.B.......

Scallion

Compulsive shoppers sacrifice going to Dollar Tree

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist The Lampoon stopped by an ordinary residential street this week to investigate a small protest that broke out in front of one of the houses. The owners of the house are Prissy and Chip McShopperson, self-proclaimed compulsive shoppers whose many purchases have overflowed......

Scallion

Lampoon Investigation: Did Buzz actually fall victim to the honeybee epidemic?

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes JACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist Buzz, the spokesperson, or rather spokes-bee, for Honey Nut Cheerios is no longer advertising for the cereal brand. In fact, he has been reported missing. His mother, Beetrice, and his father, Fuzz, were very upset when Buzz did not arrive home from......

Scallion

Lampoon Review: The Nintendo Switch

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 22, 2017

March 22, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutesPATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist Two weeks ago, a putrid and rotund boy slapped his mother in the face at an Alabama Golden Corral. He didn’t take inspiration from the famous Dr. Phil video, nor was he upset about the absence of fried chicken at the moment. He wanted what......

Scallion

Disgruntled PC gamer backpacks across America to prove superiority to Nintendo Switch

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 22, 2017

March 22, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutesEMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist Gamers, non-gamers and basement-dwelling, unemployed 30-year-olds alike collectively lost their minds when the Nintendo Switch was released two weeks ago. Its portability, battery life, portability, dance-able commercials, portability and ability to not be the Wii U has renewed gamers’ hope that Nintendo is still capable......

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Police Notter

GameStop to rip you off more to compensate for store closings

Police Notter

Video surveillance shows Obama tap dancing on Trump’s landline

Man requests to be put back into coma after awakening in 2017

NASA announces plans to convert flat earthers: Is Earth really round?

Compulsive shoppers sacrifice going to Dollar Tree

Lampoon Investigation: Did Buzz actually fall victim to the honeybee epidemic?

Lampoon Review: The Nintendo Switch

Disgruntled PC gamer backpacks across America to prove superiority to Nintendo Switch