The Scallion - Page 55 of 88 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

Man requests to be put back into coma after awakening in 2017

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 3 minutes ALBERTO GONZALEZ Staff Lampoonist A man who was the on the receiving end of a medical miracle awoke after 15 years last week. Nile List awoke from a coma he sustained after falling victim to a stray bullet that was shot into the air on the Fourth......

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NASA announces plans to convert flat earthers: Is Earth really round?

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist There are many things that are flat: a garlic and herb Triscuit cracker, a tabletop and a frat member’s head after his bro hits him with a sledgehammer during a 5-day bender. Now, according to top science officials including Shaquille O’Neal, B.O.B.......

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Compulsive shoppers sacrifice going to Dollar Tree

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist The Lampoon stopped by an ordinary residential street this week to investigate a small protest that broke out in front of one of the houses. The owners of the house are Prissy and Chip McShopperson, self-proclaimed compulsive shoppers whose many purchases have overflowed......

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Lampoon Investigation: Did Buzz actually fall victim to the honeybee epidemic?

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 29, 2017

March 29, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes JACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist Buzz, the spokesperson, or rather spokes-bee, for Honey Nut Cheerios is no longer advertising for the cereal brand. In fact, he has been reported missing. His mother, Beetrice, and his father, Fuzz, were very upset when Buzz did not arrive home from......

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Lampoon Review: The Nintendo Switch

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 22, 2017

March 22, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutesPATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist Two weeks ago, a putrid and rotund boy slapped his mother in the face at an Alabama Golden Corral. He didn’t take inspiration from the famous Dr. Phil video, nor was he upset about the absence of fried chicken at the moment. He wanted what......

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Disgruntled PC gamer backpacks across America to prove superiority to Nintendo Switch

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 22, 2017

March 22, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutesEMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist Gamers, non-gamers and basement-dwelling, unemployed 30-year-olds alike collectively lost their minds when the Nintendo Switch was released two weeks ago. Its portability, battery life, portability, dance-able commercials, portability and ability to not be the Wii U has renewed gamers’ hope that Nintendo is still capable......

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Surreal Baldwin portrayal replaces surreal president at WHCD

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 8, 2017September 1, 2019

March 8, 2017September 1, 2019

Reading Time: 2 minutesEMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist He’s back, folks! Alec Baldwin, the actor most notably known for his surreal portrayal of Donald Trump on “Saturday Night Live” (among other roles, but let’s be real, this is his best), is slated to replace Trump at the head of the White House Correspondents’......

Scallion

NASA sells flights to new Trump-free planets

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 8, 2017September 9, 2019

March 8, 2017September 9, 2019

Reading Time: 2 minutesJACLYN SPIEZIA Staff Lampoonist President Donald Trump’s inauguration was a little over a month ago, and since then, the horror story that has recently been our government has rightfully been coined, “too much power for too tiny of hands.” In fact, Trump’s interest in nuclear war has given many......

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Police Notter March 8

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 8, 2017

March 8, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutes KILGORE TROUT Guest Lampoonist Monday, Feb. 27, 2017 3:53 p.m. A raccoon was reportedly behaving suspiciously near Gregory Hall. Rock E. Raccoon, age 2, was arrested and charged with unlawful possession of people food. 5:12 p.m. An alarm was tripped in the vacant Erie Hall. Upon investigation,......

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The Lampoon’s guide on how to get rich

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 8, 2017

March 8, 2017

Reading Time: 2 minutesALBERTO GONZALEZ Staff Lampoonist If there’s one thing college students are good at, it’s money management. We’re all here because we want to get a degree which will enable us to be so filthy, stinking rich that we can just sit around and watch Netflix all day without feeling......

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Man requests to be put back into coma after awakening in 2017

NASA announces plans to convert flat earthers: Is Earth really round?

Compulsive shoppers sacrifice going to Dollar Tree

Lampoon Investigation: Did Buzz actually fall victim to the honeybee epidemic?

Lampoon Review: The Nintendo Switch

Disgruntled PC gamer backpacks across America to prove superiority to Nintendo Switch

Surreal Baldwin portrayal replaces surreal president at WHCD

NASA sells flights to new Trump-free planets

Police Notter March 8

The Lampoon’s guide on how to get rich