October 27, 2026
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Naloxone becomes available in Gregory Hall

Nation facing a mid-term test

Trump claims leakers ‘should be shot’

AI doesn’t want to take over, it wants your Social…

Student Media, Cornell Incident

LOVERCOLUMN: Legendary Lovers

World leaders address war, conflicts at UN General Assembly

Issues of Sports Gambling

From Fredonia to New Mexico?  

A playlist for each mood: Yearning  

The Leader
Scallion

Male birth control experiment leads to permanent funding of Planned Parenthood

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutesD. Zbornak   Staff Lampoonist In popular news, a revolutionary male birth control study was halted due to its undesirable side effects. While the irony in this sparked cynicism from women all around, it ultimately resulted in a shocking nationwide move. With men having fully experienced the frustrations of hormonal birth......
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Scallion

Vine (2013-2016)

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutes    EMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist On Oct. 27, 2016, Twitter announced that its short-form video sharing app, Vine, had suddenly and unexpectedly passed. After fighting valiantly against competing video-sharing apps such as Snapchat, Vine finally laid down its vast supply of viral memes and admitted defeat in the face......
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Scallion

Trump spends $2 billion to nuke China: Republican nominee still polls at 40 percent

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutes  KEITH MYATH Guest Lampoonist   In his latest string of bizarre antics, news broke late Tuesday night that Donald Trump has shelled out more than $2 billion of his own money to drop a nuclear missile on China. “First of all, it’s pronounced Chee-eye-na,” said Trump in a recent......
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Scallion

In memory of American Decency

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutesD. ZBORNAK Staff Lampoonist   U.S. citizens across the country are mourning the long-anticipated death of American Decency. While its stamina was sort of up in the air for quite some time, American Decency had undoubtedly experienced an astronomical drop in strength this past year. American historians had initially predicted......
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Scallion

The Lampoon endorses David S. Pumpkins for president

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesEMMA PATTERSON Staff Lampoonist   It’s no secret that this presidential election has been, in short, exhausting. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have been met with either lukewarm acceptance or alarming reverence from voters, resulting in this being the first election people under the age of 30 have actually cared......
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Scallion

Who wore it better?: A presidential fashion analysis

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutes  PATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist Whether you’re wearing a fanny pack with mom jeans combo or a camo hoodie with matching camo Crocs, you’re showing people what you’re all about (even though we’d rather not know you if you’re wearing camo Crocs).  This past week, the Lampoon was determined to......
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Scallion

Election Rigging 101: How to rig your local polling station: God knows we need it

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutesPatrick Bennett Staff Lampoonist In the next couple of weeks, an event will take place that will shape the American people. This isn’t even the announcement that Big Macs will be sold again for $1 on Mondays, it’s the presidential election. The two candidates, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, are......
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