The Leader
Scallion

Record-breaking bee deaths leads to drop in Honey Nut Cheerio production

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesV. RAVIOLI Staff Lampoonist   Devastating news has been going around about the recent Zika spraying that inadvertently killed off millions of honeybees. What was intended to be a heroic effort toward the destruction of the Zika virus in the U.S. has tragically resulted in an unbelievable drop in honey......
Scallion

ElectionSlam 2016: Presidency to be determined through tag-team cage match

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesTRAVIS LEFEVRE Lampoon Editor   Get ready for the rumble of a lifetime folks, because “red state” will soon have a whole new meaning. World Wrestling Entertainment has announced that it has signed a contract to determine the next president of the United States. A new approach is being taken......
Scallion

A thank you letter from your colon: Recent sewage disaster forces campus-wide Willy C fast

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesV. RAVIOLI Staff Lampoonist    Dear Innkeeper,   As you know, we essentially have one of the most intimate relationships anyone can ever experience. You’ve shared your deepest darkest desires with me, whether I asked to know them or not. One of which, if you don’t mind me mentioning, is......
Scallion

Making Kaepernickuragua great again: Quarterback turns conquistador, gets own country

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesPATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist   Lately, all the rage and the subject of American grandmothers’ posts have revolved around San Fransisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick, a Scorpio from birth, sat during the national anthem during a pre-season NFL game. People at the stadium were enjoying their day at the......
Scallion

If you can’t beat them, join them: Top Republicans abandon the GOP

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesTRAVIS LEFEVRE Lampoon Editor   In this election year, every day ushers some new and wild story. After months of a rocky and uncertain alliance, prominent members of the Republican Party have decided to change their voter registration to the Democratic Party. Prominent conservatives like House Speaker Paul Ryan and......
Scallion

Fredonia changes official mascot: Sports teams to be addressed as the Harambe State Harambes

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesRICK HARRISON Staff Lampoonist   Rick Harrison here, reporting from my pawn shop. In order to pay tribute to the late Harambe, a gorilla who was killed at the Cincinnati Zoo in May, the athletics program will be changing its name and logo. The announcement came from Athletic Director Greg......
Scallion

Commotion with the Ocean: R&B star disappears, causes widespread panic

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 3 minutesPATRICK BENNETT Staff Lampoonist   Frank Ocean released his second studio album, “Blonde,” last week to a lengthy list of praise from both critics and die-hard Frank-O-philes. In celebration of the R&B superstar’s newest release, Frank, whose real name is Joey Fatone, held a public press conference in the parking......
Scallion

Faster than the speed of blame: Usain Bolt is faster than your partner’s assumptions, new study suggests

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesTRAVIS LEFEVRE Lampoon Editor   Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt has once again wiped the competition, earning three gold medals during the 2016 Olympics. He is so fast that a recent study done by Yale University determined that Bolt is faster than the assumptions made by your partner, or the same......
Scallion

“Trash statue” stolen and recycled at Tops

Contributor to The Leader
Reading Time: 2 minutesV. RAVIOLI Staff Lampoonist   Throughout SUNY Fredonia’s history, money and budget cuts have been a constant source of contention. With the new school year in full swing, Fredonia’s school administrators are right back to agonizing over whether funding should go towards campus employee wages or better things like the......

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