The Scallion - Page 83 of 88 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

This week’s horoscope

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 13, 2015

March 13, 2015

Reading Time: 2 minutesANITA TENSION Special to the Lampoon Aries: The problem is both bigger and more severe than you think it is. You can not prevent the impending disaster, only minimize the consequences. Taurus: Someone you love is plotting against you. Sorry. Gemini: Either you have eaten an expired food item in......

Scallion

Op-Ed: Pornography gave me unrealistic expectations about the number of available delivery jobs out there

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 5, 2015

March 5, 2015

Reading Time: 2 minutesPAUL E. AMOREE Special to the Lampoon I used to be like any other American dude: I drank my ketchup every day like a good boy. I fired my assault rifle into the air seven times a day — that’s two more than the five times mandated for every American......

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Local stupid moron in serious debt

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 5, 2015

March 5, 2015

Reading Time: < 1 minuteANNE ARKEY Special to the Lampoon In an announcement issued Friday night, Fredonia student and complete idiot Anne Arkey, 22, admitted to having “really gone and done it this time,” saying she was “absolutely screwed” if she could not find a solution to the “like forty thousand dollars with a......

Scallion

How to nap on campus

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 5, 2015

March 5, 2015

Reading Time: 2 minutesLEO FRANK Lampoon Editor They say to write what you know. Unfortunately, there’s a lot I don’t know. I don’t know how to make chicken cordon bleu, for example. I don’t know why people keep sharing Buzzfeed articles on Facebook, and I don’t know how to work Excel spreadsheets. But......

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The Alphabet of Studying

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 25, 2015

February 25, 2015

Reading Time: < 1 minuteSARA WILD Special to the Lampoon A is for adderall B is for break time! C is for caffeine D is for do not disturb (but please do) E is for extra credit longing F is for Facebook G is for GPA calculating H is for highlighting everything I is......

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Students clamor for bookstore to stock more adorable kitsch

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 25, 2015

February 25, 2015

Reading Time: < 1 minuteANNE ARKY Special to the Lampoon A mob of students wielding picket signs gathered outside the University Bookstore on Tuesday to protest what they see as an embarrassing shortage of adorable kitsch available for purchase in on-campus facilities. The bookstore, which does sometimes stock a wide selection of beaded placemats,......

Scallion

This week’s horoscope

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 25, 2015September 1, 2019

February 25, 2015September 1, 2019

Reading Time: 2 minutesMEL N. KOLICH Special to the Lampoon Aries: To forgive others one more time is to create one more blessing for yourself. This is a good week to message that ex or maybe call your parents. Try and remember that free will is an illusion and the decisions they made......

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It so cold, scientists say

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 18, 2015

February 18, 2015

Reading Time: 2 minutesANITA TENSION Special to the Lampoon Confirming the suspicions of many Fredonia residents, scientists announced the results of an extensive study Monday, which indicated that it is extremely cold outside right now. Citing the pronounced rosiness of their cheeks and runniness of their noses, the scientists concluded that the likeliest......

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The Lampoon presents this week’s horoscope

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 18, 2015

February 18, 2015

Reading Time: 3 minutesANNE ARKY Special to the Lampoon Aries: You’re on fire! This is your week, Aries. In seven days you’ll look back on what you accomplished and say, “Man, I sure achieved great things this week — though nowhere near as great as the ascension of Sultan Murad IV to the......

Scallion

How to anonymously survive your 50 Shades of Grey viewing

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 18, 2015

February 18, 2015

Reading Time: 2 minutesSARA WILD Special to the Lampoon Admit it. You’re sickened, but curious. It’s been the buzz for what seems like years now. You have to see if it’s going to live up to all this hype, but no one can know. Never fear, no one has to know. Just follow......

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This week’s horoscope

Op-Ed: Pornography gave me unrealistic expectations about the number of available delivery jobs out there

Local stupid moron in serious debt

How to nap on campus

The Alphabet of Studying

Students clamor for bookstore to stock more adorable kitsch

This week’s horoscope

It so cold, scientists say

The Lampoon presents this week’s horoscope

How to anonymously survive your 50 Shades of Grey viewing