The Scallion - Page 83 of 88 - The Leader, SUNY Fredonia's student-run newspaper

Area research papers announce plans to write selves

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 27, 2015

March 27, 2015

Reading Time: < 1 minuteANITA TENSION Special to the Lampoon In an unprecedented move, a coalition of every research paper currently assigned to a Fredonia student, including the one currently assigned to you, issued an official statement Monday, announcing their collective plans to write themselves. The statement — which undoubtedly comes as a relief......

Scallion

New line of Apple devices powered entirely by user’s consumerist void

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 27, 2015

March 27, 2015

Reading Time: < 1 minuteRITA PAEPER Special to the Lampoon In a press conference last Monday, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced a bold and innovative line of products powered entirely by the material emptiness of the owner. “This is an historic moment,” said Cook. “Not only are these products slimmer, sleeker and narrower than......

Scallion

An open letter to the blatant mid-semester seat stealers: You Have Been Warned!

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 13, 2015

March 13, 2015

Reading Time: 3 minutesNAOMI LYNCH Staff Writer Dear Blatant Mid-Semester Seat Stealer, You’d be an excellent dictator, since you’re so adept at taking what you want. You’d also be a excellent dictator, because you were born to fall! This is not only a letter to you, but a PSA to all of you......

Scallion

Partnership with Amazon raises money for scholarships

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 13, 2015

March 13, 2015

Reading Time: 2 minutesTARA DACTYL Special to the Lampoon The College Foundation has partnered with Amazon in an effort to raise money for scholarships for Fredonia students. Members of the College Foundation are thrilled to have the opportunity to be able to fundraise and give students assistance where they need it most: paying......

Scallion

This week’s horoscope

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 13, 2015

March 13, 2015

Reading Time: 2 minutesANITA TENSION Special to the Lampoon Aries: The problem is both bigger and more severe than you think it is. You can not prevent the impending disaster, only minimize the consequences. Taurus: Someone you love is plotting against you. Sorry. Gemini: Either you have eaten an expired food item in......

Scallion

Op-Ed: Pornography gave me unrealistic expectations about the number of available delivery jobs out there

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 5, 2015

March 5, 2015

Reading Time: 2 minutesPAUL E. AMOREE Special to the Lampoon I used to be like any other American dude: I drank my ketchup every day like a good boy. I fired my assault rifle into the air seven times a day — that’s two more than the five times mandated for every American......

Scallion

Local stupid moron in serious debt

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 5, 2015

March 5, 2015

Reading Time: < 1 minuteANNE ARKEY Special to the Lampoon In an announcement issued Friday night, Fredonia student and complete idiot Anne Arkey, 22, admitted to having “really gone and done it this time,” saying she was “absolutely screwed” if she could not find a solution to the “like forty thousand dollars with a......

Scallion

How to nap on campus

Contributor to The LeaderMarch 5, 2015

March 5, 2015

Reading Time: 2 minutesLEO FRANK Lampoon Editor They say to write what you know. Unfortunately, there’s a lot I don’t know. I don’t know how to make chicken cordon bleu, for example. I don’t know why people keep sharing Buzzfeed articles on Facebook, and I don’t know how to work Excel spreadsheets. But......

Scallion

The Alphabet of Studying

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 25, 2015

February 25, 2015

Reading Time: < 1 minuteSARA WILD Special to the Lampoon A is for adderall B is for break time! C is for caffeine D is for do not disturb (but please do) E is for extra credit longing F is for Facebook G is for GPA calculating H is for highlighting everything I is......

Scallion

Students clamor for bookstore to stock more adorable kitsch

Contributor to The LeaderFebruary 25, 2015

February 25, 2015

Reading Time: < 1 minuteANNE ARKY Special to the Lampoon A mob of students wielding picket signs gathered outside the University Bookstore on Tuesday to protest what they see as an embarrassing shortage of adorable kitsch available for purchase in on-campus facilities. The bookstore, which does sometimes stock a wide selection of beaded placemats,......

Naloxone becomes available in Gregory Hall

Nation facing a mid-term test

Trump claims leakers ‘should be shot’

AI doesn’t want to take over, it wants your Social…

Student Media, Cornell Incident

LOVERCOLUMN: Legendary Lovers

World leaders address war, conflicts at UN General Assembly

Issues of Sports Gambling

From Fredonia to New Mexico?

A playlist for each mood: Yearning

Area research papers announce plans to write selves

New line of Apple devices powered entirely by user’s consumerist void

An open letter to the blatant mid-semester seat stealers: You Have Been Warned!

Partnership with Amazon raises money for scholarships

This week’s horoscope

Op-Ed: Pornography gave me unrealistic expectations about the number of available delivery jobs out there

Local stupid moron in serious debt

How to nap on campus

The Alphabet of Studying

Students clamor for bookstore to stock more adorable kitsch