[Satire] This coronavirus has affected my motivation so much, I’m even too lazy to write this article
Reading Time: < 1 minuteJOSEPH MARCINIAK Scallion Editor...
[Satire] With nothing else for people to do, these bizarre internet challenges are making a comeback
Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Staff Scallywag The internet is an interesting and terrifying place. People who you’ve never met look right at you, say, “what’s up, guys!” and immediately start making bad decisions. It’s the future every concerned mom from the ‘80s was worried about their kids getting involved with. There are......
[Satire] Wait, where is everyone?
Reading Time: 2 minutesHANNAH BLIDY Confused Staff Scallywag Okay, so it’s been like three weeks since spring break, and I don’t think I’ve seen a single person on campus. Seriously — not one. I really just don’t know what’s going on. I’ve been going to my classes, but no one ever shows up!......
Horoscopes 4/11/2020
Reading Time: < 1 minuteALEXANDRA WALSH Guest Scallywag Aquarius: COVID-19? More like Hoevid-19, Aquarius. I see you on Tinder. Pisces: Wash your hands please, thank you. Aries: Social-distance yourself from Geminis… They are never good to quarantine with. Taurus: I know you miss the cutie you used to see every MWF in your class,......
[Satire] Class attendance is at an all-time low this semester
Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Staff Scallywag For some reason, there has been a serious drop in attendance in classes. Nowadays, it seems like nobody’s going to their classes anymore, myself included. I am guilty of missing class just as much as the next guy, but here’s my reasoning. I, for one, have......
[Satire] In these trying times, we need to keep one group especially safe — the billionaires
Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Staff Scallywag As we all know, this COVID-19 nonsense is taking up everyone’s group consciousness. In an attempt to flatten the curve, a vast majority of Americans are staying within their homes, and this is hardest on one group in particular: the mega-rich. Without access to private jet......
[Satire] Breaking news: New disease found even more deadly than coronavirus, named bluelightvirus
Reading Time: < 1 minuteHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag Stay calm everyone; everything will be okay. Or at least I hope to God, since we have another viral pandemic on our hands. Scallion scientists recently discovered a new disease, which they dubbed “bluelightvirus.” Victims of this disease experience symptoms such as low body temperature and......
[Satire] I know everyone’s panicking about this whole coronavirus thing, but has anyone seen my pants?
Reading Time: 2 minutesJOSEPH MARCINIAKBumbling Editor of the Scallion Hey everyone, I know we’re all panicked about this coronavirus thing, but I could really use some help with my pants situation. I placed them down somewhere and now I can’t find them! They’re a pair of Levi’s blue jeans, really nice, size 36-32.......
I’m not like other girls, I do things that other girls do
Reading Time: 2 minutesHANNAH BLIDY Staff Scallywag (Disclaimer: you don’t have to have a period/menstrual cycle to be a girl. Whether you identify as a woman all the time or some of the time, this article is for you. Perhaps you’re just interested in reading it. Whatever floats your boat.) Omg, don’t you......
Fredonia to introduce alternative transportation for inclement weather
Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Staff Scallywag The students at Fredonia have been put through the weather wringer, with wind, waves and whiteout wreaking havoc on the commute from one end of campus to the other. To combat this stress, Jess Tuitt, the head of the university Department of Transportation, has set in......