[SATIRE] Highlights of the Olympics, by someone who for sure watched the Olympics
Reading Time: 2 minutesMATTHEW BAUM Scallion Editor Since the Olympics ended last week a few weeks ago, there has been loads of information to dissect and break down. Luckily, I am someone who for sure, absolutely paid attention to the sports events that went down. Some guy smashed his balls on one of......
[SATIRE] Top 6 things you can do to help Ukraine
Reading Time: 2 minutesBRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag You’re looking on the news and you’re watching TikTok when you see the horrific footage of war and death taking place in Ukraine. You feel helpless and despondent. The more you look around the more the world reminds you that we are little people with no......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Spring break edition
Reading Time: 2 minutesJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hello, my friends! I’m bringing to you some advice to each sign about what to do over spring break — if you have no plans, of course. Aries: Set fires in Mason while no one’s there. (DON’T DO THIS. THIS IS SATIRE.) Taurus: Go home and learn......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Red flags
Reading Time: 3 minutesJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Hey, Horoscope fiends. I got what everyone’s been looking forward to this week: THE RED FLAGS OF EACH SIGN! Aries: You don’t clean your emotional support water bottle as often as you should. However, you think that the crusty dusty elements of an unclean emotional support water......
[SATIRE] Fredonia professor has hilarious bit
Reading Time: 2 minutesBRIAN CECALA Staff Scallywag This article is written for comedic purposes. A SUNY Fredonia professor is making news across the country for the hilarious bit he’s been doing for years! I’ve been taking a philosophy class with this jokester, and when I heard him blurt out this cheeky joke, the......
Comics: Sidewalk ice
Reading Time: < 1 minuteNicole Thorson Angelo Petrilli...
[SATIRE] Students advocate for global warming in response to unreasonable winter weather
Reading Time: 3 minutesJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag (This article is written for comedic purposes. For factual information on global warming, visit Fredonia’s Climate Education Initiative website: fredonia.edu/about/offices/climate-education-initiative/climate-facts.) Going to Fredonia, you were probably already aware that the weather was gonna be quite the treat. We all knew that snow was a big thing to......
[SATIRE] Guys, I haven’t gotten COVID-19 yet, and I feel left out >:(
Reading Time: 2 minutesBRIAN CECALA Scallywag Hey guys, It’s ya boy Brian, local popular writer for the Scallion. It’s been hard these past few years with COVID-19 because everyone keeps getting it, and I haven’t yet! Everyone gets to post fun little stories on their Facebook and cute quarantine photos but not me!......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How to make friends
Reading Time: 2 minutesJAY BYRONStaff Scallywag Welcome to horoscopes. I will be providing an instructional guide about how to finally make friends. Aries: Get into NFTs, but in an ironic way. Fake it on Twitter so you can gather a bunch of NFT bro followers, then right-click-save their profile pictures and threaten them......